Love

Charles Bukowski - The Laughing Heart

 

 

The Laughing Heart

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

-- by Charles Bukowski

Robbery!

When I was a young girl I fell in love with the movie Space Camp, and after watching it I decided 2 things: I wanted to be an astronaut and I really really wanted to go to Space Camp. I told this to people and they laughed at me and told me I could never and would never do either. So, as a result, a little part of me died and I formed the necessary scab and then scar to heal the wound.

Remember this? Pure awesomeness, no?

"The stars belong to a new generation." Too bad I wasn't part of it.

When I was young girl I wanted to be a model. I was always told what a pretty girl I was by all my parents friends, so why not? I was told I was pretty, I thought models were pretty, so I thought this would be something cool that I could do.... And then the bomb dropped - "Well", my friends pointed out, "you aren't pretty enough and you have too many beauty marks on your face. That isn't the way models look." Strike 2 for me! So, another little part of me died and I started making a list of all the things I couldn't do because of my deficiencies - and to my horror - there seemed to be a bunch of them. Please bear in mind I WAS A YOUNG GIRL!

Maybe if this had been a theme in my childhood things

would have been different.

 

Fast forward to my mid-teens when I was awarded a scholarship for a summer dance program called CanDance. One of the classes we took was Kinesiology and it was love at first sight for me. I decided then and there that I was going to become a Kinesiologist. Cool right? When I shared my exciting news with my friends and parents I was told that I probably wouldn't be able to accomplish this because I didn't have the strongest "science skills" and "wouldn't I be better off focusing on something that was 'English' related? I was good at English." And then my response, "of course, how stupid of me." *giant head smack*

When I was young, I unknowingly gave up on my dreams and the possibilities of my dreams. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I decided I would start answering "a nurse," because that is what my mom was. It was safe and people didn't seem to have a problem with it.

After people stopped asking me this particularly traumatizing question, and after I let go of the ridiculous notion of being a nurse, I started waiting for people to tell me what I should be doing because they obviously knew better than me. For example - my girlfriend was a student of the Ryerson Dance Program and thought I should audition, so I said, "okay, why not? I'm not doing anything else at the moment and I know how to dance." Off I flew to Toronto, where I was granted another scholarship, and picked up some mad dancing skills.

It is no wonder to me why I am, the way I am. I can see now that this is why it is hard for me to listen to my authentic voice. I can see now, why it is hard for me to make decisions around what I want to do and what I think I would like to do. I was taught that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough and most importantly -  I didn't know the answers. So I limited myself and lost myself all at the same time.

I was robbed I tell you! Robbed!

Now as an adult, I find myself on the treasure hunt of my life, or more truthfully, for my life. I'm searching dark cobwebbed corners and attics for the things that were once rightfully mine, but were taken from me. Sometimes I stumble across my treasures (and I mean this literally) even though their presence is invisible to me, and the only reason I notice them is because I have tripped on them, fallen, and hurt myself. When this happens their invisibility starts to lift and I begin to see them. I see them and wonder - "is this really a treasure of mine?" and after close scrutiny "well, maybe this is mine, for a second I thought it belonged to Megan," and then "oh".

For the most part, this reclaiming of 'self ' is very difficult for me; however, there is the odd time when I stumble upon a fragment of my lost treasure and know, at once, that it is mine. When this happens, I can lovingly pick it up, cradle it in my arms, and quietly rejoice in our reunion, and (in the words of my friend Ani) send out blessings like butterfly kisses....

Letting go...

Last night, while laying on my couch trying desperately to be distracted by my television set, it hit me. It was like watching a horrific catastrophe that I was somehow the sideline observer of, and the victim in.

Up until this particular moment, I had been so disconnected from the pain of it, that it took me a few minutes to clue into the fact that 1. Something was happening, and 2. It was happening to me. It was almost as if it was coming from my television. It started as a low moaning/ whimpering sound and as I sat wondering where the hell the noise was coming from, and what on earth it was, it grew steadily louder. That's when I looked down and saw my whole body shaking, or more like spasming.

It went like this:

"Oh, are those my arms, hands, legs? Why are they shaking like that? Why can't I feel them?"

And then,

"Oh, this is me. This noise is coming from inside me, how strange."

And then the 3 separate parts: the noise, the shaking, and me, collided and merged into a giant, messy heap. It went on and on and on and on and on, and for the first time in 3 weeks, I felt like I was present in my body. It hurt, it was exhausting, and it was welcomed. I knew it was in there somewhere, I just didn't know where, and frankly, up until this point, didn't want to know.

This is a shining example of what occurs when one denies themselves the existence of their unwanted emotions (usually done in order to protect oneself from feelings such as fear, abandonment, grief, anger, loneliness and a slew of other emotions). This is a pattern most of us fall victim too.We carry these unwanted situations and feelings around inside our bodies - in our muscles, organs, and mind and they disrupt our lives, directly and indirectly. It's something I have constantly experienced in my practice, and now know to be a form of self-preservation or survival.

Denial. Denial. Denial!

So there I was in my pre-hokey pokey state, naively believing I was okay, when in fact I was in a place where I had pushed my emotions in and down until I couldn't feel them. I didn't want to feel them, and as a result I developed the 'phantom body zombie syndrome'. My body was numb. My mind was numb. Most of my emotions were swirling layers of numbness... I was numb. We are like little squirrels really - running around collecting and storing things for a later time. This was my later time.

This is the kind of squirrel I desire to be.

The blessing: I knew this was a very good thing; I wasn't scared, I allowed it to happen.

The curse: it hurt that this was something I was experiencing alone.

The lesson: emotions do not stay buried. They have ways of coming up - some healthy, other not. For example, my shaking and crying was a very healthy way for me to discharge my experience, and therefore, let my healing process begin. Examples of my unhealthy reactions to my buried emotions were: insomnia, headaches, anxiety attacks, lack of motivation, and a change in my eating. 

To the two:

I let you go because you are a narcissistic asshole who is unworthy of me. I will not look back.

I let the you go because it was the right thing for me to do, but I will carry you with me always.

I let you go - both of you, in different ways.

I let go.

Something random...

Prothalamium

Come, all you who are not satisfied

as ruler in a lone, wallpapered room

full of mute birds, and flowers that falsely bloom,

and closets choked with dreams that long ago died!

Come, let us sweep the old streets-- like a bride:

sweep out dead leaves with a relentless broom;

prepare for Spring, as though he were our groom

for whose light footstep eagerly we bide.

We'll sweep out shadows, where the rats long fed;

sweep out our shame-- and in its place we'll make 

a bower for love, a splendid marriage bed

fragrant with flowers aquiver for the Spring.

And when he comes, our murdered dreams shall wake;

and when he comes, all the mute birds shall sing.

-- Aaron Kramer

Is two better than one?

For me, there is something terrifying about loneliness, about being alone, or more honestly, about being without a companion. Even trying to write this post, is complicated for me. It feels as though I am lost in a thick fog, blindly trying to grasp the words or feelings I am looking for.

Maybe I'll try approach this in a different way, from the perspective of 'why' I like being with someone. I like the feeling that someone has my back. I like the feeling of being able to be fully vulnerable with another person. I like the feeling of curling up in someone's arms. I like the feeling of safety and security. I like the feeling that, if shit is going down in my life, someone is there to see and feel me. I like the feeling of getting close and forming a bond with someone. I like the feeling of physical and emotional intimacy. I enjoy the feeling of sharing - shopping trips, bike rides, meals, etc. I like the feeling that if I fuck up, I won't be alone in it. (Zing - how's that for self-criticism - ouch!) Maybe the deeply wounded part of me, sees having a partner as an acknowledgment of my existence, proof that I really am here, that I'm not invisible, that I belong. Do I sound confused? I hope so because I am.

Lately, whenever I have had to check something off my list of 'adult experiences' (and believe me they have been many), one of the first people I want to turn to, is my ex-husband. This is a very interesting phenomenon for me. Why him, after so much time (and many experiences) have past? I want to phone him to tell him how awful things are, just so I can feel like everything is going to be okay, even if it's for a couple minutes. I want to curl up in bed or on the couch and have him hold me. Talk about romanticizing; however, in his defence there was a time when I felt I had that with him, which is probably why my mind goes there.

Is two really better than one?

These feelings of mine are potentially dangerous for my mental health because my experience has shown me otherwise. I often find myself in a position where I run straight into the waiting arms of the possibility that my feelings will be made real somehow. Yet, the reality is - I haven't met a partner who is available to navigate through my life with me. Is it because I'm too much? My depression is too much? I don't think so. I think it's more a matter of people and their limitations (and I write this with love, not contempt) because this is the reality. We are all limited, each and everyone of us, in different ways and in different degrees. Have I mentioned how confusing I find this?

I know several people that are perfectly content living their lives alone. They seem to have some kind of system in place where, as they begin to feel lonely, they enter into a quick-fix-lonely-buster relationship. A weekend here, dates there, a couple lovely nights, maybe even a few months of life devoid of loneliness and they are good. They move on, live their lives alone again, until the loneliness becomes too much and they repeat the cycle. I am not that person. I want more.

I am extremely fortunate in that I get truckloads of support from my therapist and all the wonderful women in my life; however, it isn't the same. Why is this? Why can't it be enough? Is this a societal thing that I'm up against? Are the feelings of being incomplete without a partner (at my age) something I have been unknowingly fed and unknowingly eaten? I know I am loved, by a number of people, so why do I feel so damn lonely? Why does this feel so hard?

Maybe I should watch this video everyday to help erase 

some of my confusion around this subject....

(It's pretty great huh!?)

A woman in my writing group shared an interesting thought last week. Is it better so share a bed with someone just for the sake of sharing a bed? Is it better to pretend we aren't alone and to instead turn a blind eye to the reality of our partnership, just to stop the feelings of loneliness? Will the loneliness really stop when one enters into a relationship with another? There aren't any straightforward answers to these questions. For me, it's a case of 'my head knows the answers but my heart is yelling something different'.

*le sigh*

How Bikkers and Starbucks saved my life....

I've been doing some thinking lately about this journey I am on, with my not-so-good acquaintance, Depression. I have dedicated the last 2 years of my life to the process of understanding/accepting it and think I am doing a fine job. There is still a part of me that yearns for other people's acceptance, understanding and support; however, I think this is something I'm going to have to let go of.

I often find it helps me to peer into the past, if only to use as a tool, a gauge, of where I was, and where I am now. I do this to validate all my efforts and victories, and to make me aware that it really has been the journey of my lifetime - at least so far. I do this because when I rub up against people that think I am doing nothing with my life and should be doing more, I can silence them in my brain. I can silence their distress around my mental health, and see it for what it is - my mental health, (big huge space) and their distress and confusion. I am not something that needs to,or can be, fixed. I am not broken. I am a fine, loving, compassionate, understanding, and intelligent human being, and although my 'accomplishments' may seem limited by a large portion of society - I know otherwise.

I chose to do this. I choose to do this work. This IS my work, and I do it because a hidden part of me knows that I deserve to be whole and certainly more aware.

About 2.5 years ago, Starbucks saved my life. I knew, I knew that if I could just get out of bed and walk to Starbucks to get a coffee, I would be okay. It took everything in me, to accomplish this morning ritual/task but I knew it was really important. And it was. Every morning I struggled out of bed and into clothes to get to Starbucks and that was all I had to fill my day. The importance of the ritual was larger than I even realized at the time. Things got scary when I found myself standing on the sidewalk of Lakeshore and Leslie during morning rush hour, wondering what it would feel like, wondering what would happen, if I just took a giant step off the curb into the speeding traffic, just so I could feel something... anything, other than what I was feeling.

I would stay up all night with the television on and a candle burning because I was too scared to sleep. It hurt to sleep in a bed by myself - everything about this act was wrong - so I would force myself to stay awake.

I couldn't leave my house without being terrified of everything - noises, people, smells, etc. I would get dizzy, nauseous. I struggled with buying food because it was too overwhelming a task, having to decide and then having to cook? Forget about it. I spent countless days, flat out on my apartment floor, crying my eyes, heart, and soul out, unable to get up or even stop. I couldn't work. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't understand words. I wanted to die. There was nothing to live for, there was just the excruciating pain, the terrible self-judgment and the loneliness.

And then there was her. The woman who was able to come to me whenever I needed anything, to just sit with me. I am eternally grateful for all that you are. I love you Bikkers. You were a beam of light and warmth when everything else was dark and cold. You made me feel deserving of your friendship. You made me feel like I was enough, I was good enough, just the way I was, regardless of how things appeared.

The Bikkers and 'The Bucks'. What a team....

Hi there....

Depression is usually accompanied by feelings of helplessness (for all of the people involved, directly or indirectly). I have been asked, on several occasions, what my loved ones 'can do', to help me. I never know what to say, usually because I'm in the middle of a struggle, which means, clarity and I aren't the best of friends. What I do know, is that having to hold another persons discomfort around my depression, while I am feeling depressed, is too much! I know I am a super human, I'm just not super-human... Ha! Just sayin'.

All I ever need - perhaps all a Depressed person ever needs - while battling through a hard time, is some form of validation of my/their feelings. (I can only speak for myself though, this may not work for everyone....) I'm certainly not trying to put words in your mouth, but for the people that have asked in the past, these are some things that I know I want/need to hear.

"I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I am sorry this feels so difficult for you. I am sorry this is so hard, but I am here for you. I hear you, I may not understand, but you are not alone."

"This isn't easy. I see you trying, so hard, to stay afloat."

"I will not judge you for this because I care about you. This scares me, but it probably doesn't come close to how scared you are."

"You can do this. I see how hard you are working. I wish I could make it all go away - but I can't. Instead, I will stay by your side, support you, hold you, love you, so you know...."

"I am here. I will continue to be here, without judgment, because you are important to me."

"I am here."

Depression hurts - the harsh reality....

Yes ladies and gentleman, the Ontario television cliche is true - depression hurts.

It hurts the people suffering from the illness (mentally, physically, and emotionally), it hurts the family members, partners, and friends who know people suffering from depression, it hurts the loved ones of friends suffering from depression, it hurts the employers of people suffering from depression (if they are ballsy enough to hire someone with depression), it hurts society on the whole, and I'm talking the world here.

Who the hell has time for this illness, when it cuts down on social time, productivity, and basic daily functioning. We live in a fast paced world, there isn't time for shit like this.... There's too much to DO DO DO!

One (non-depressed person) may think - suck it up, get on with it already. And to this I say, unless you've been through it, you don't know, so keep your misguided advice to yourself. This is a chemical thing people - so a little support, compassion and kindness would be appreciated, thank you very much. I know, I know.... easier said than done.

Are you  uncomfortable with someone's depression? Let me reassure you, your feelings of unease don't hold a candle to what a 'Depressed' person is feeling. Not even close. You can't imagine how bad it is until you experience it. I've been on that side of the fence before, but now I'm on this one - and let me tell you - it blows!

I get it. It's hard, it's confusing and it doesn't make 'sense'. But try, really try, to put yourself in the position of a Depressed person. Try to think about what it would feel like to have your basic daily functioning taken from you, and not by your own choice! Think about how fucking scared you would be. Think about the isolation, the confusion, the regret, the self-judgment, the self-loathing, the complete lack of self-worth.... Hell, think about basic survival! Do you hate yourself yet? Because if you don't - you don't understand.

How is a 'Depressed' person supposed to survive in this day and age?

Try - try really hard to feel with your heart. Don't feel sorry for the 'Depressed' person (that just adds to all the shit of it all). Try to imagine your life without all your basic functioning. How do you feel? Pretty shitty? Now multiply that by 1000. That's what it feels like to be Depressed - that's how awful it feels.

Now I'm going to take it a step further. Add the stereotype of a person needing 'drugs'.... Feeling better yet? Getting any good advice from people, with your best interests in mind, that only make you feel worse? Anyone telling you that you are a victim of the pharmaceutical industry? That you are part of the 'problem'?

What about now, are you feeling any better?

Welcome to the world of Depression. It ain't pretty but it's real, and it's happening to 121 million people world wide (and that was in 2007). According to the WHO, the 2020 projection for depression is expected  to reach 2nd place in the ranking of DALYs calculated for all ages, both sexes. (DALYs = Disability Adjusted Life Years. The sum of years of potential life lost due to premature mortality and the years of productive life lost due to disability.) Scared yet? I know I am.

This is an epidemic people. It's real and it isn't going anywhere.... It's messy, it's hurtful, it's frustrating, and it's confusing. It's a cancer and it's spreading. No condom is going to stop this puppy from attaching to your friends, your family, your loved ones, and your co-workers. It's real and it kills (and oh the shock of it all when it does). What? How did that happen? Can you believe it?

Am I pissed? Yes I am, because I am one of the unfortunate souls that has been plagued with this particular illness.... I'm working really hard to understand it, to be present with it, to be mindful around it, and it continually kicks my ass. Fuck depression and fuck the world for not having a place for me to be what I am.... which is a person suffering from Depression. Am I angry? Hells ya I am!!!!!

*end of rant*

*delayed exhale*

I'm grateful... really...

I am sick and grumpy. I want a car so I can drive to pick up sick supplies for myself like Sucrets, Buckley's and bottled soup. Hell, I want to be able to afford a car (for many reasons). I hate thinking that I am being looked down on for not having a financially sound 'career'. I'm doing the best I can - why does it have to be judged? Who are we to judge others? I know, I know.... I'm not perfect in this place either, but I'm working on it!

I hate the feeling of being alone in this sick place. I hate the feeling that no one is here to take care of me. I wish they could have taken better care back then, maybe if they had, this wouldn't feel so damn isolating. Chalk it up on my 'feeling disappointed' list. So - here I go - instead of whining and playing the victim card, I'm going to attempt gratitude....

I am grateful for:

- my apartment
- my therapist
- warm summer weather
- my ability to love, regardless of my fears
- my dog
- my pharmacy with it's amazing assortment of natural products/supplements
- my television (Like I said, I'm sick, and don't know what I would have done without it)
- the internet and my computer
- a couple of dear friends who deal with their own fears and accept me for who I am, regardless of how I am  doing.
- my desire to grow into who I really am, regardless of who 'other people' want me to be
- my success and progress in exploring the concept of compassion, for myself and others
- how hard this process is and my ability to stay true to it
- my thermos bottle that keeps my water icy cold for hours and hours!
- food and grocery stores. Have you ever really looked at the produce section in your grocery store? Try it! It's pretty mind blowing.
- the support network I have created for myself
- my ability to be able to call myself on 'my shit' and realize that I'm not perfect
- my ability to heal/help others, sense the invisible, and trust my knowing in this place. (I'm not talking shiatsu)
- the universe reminding me of this yesterday and leading me to that place
- my beau who ditched yoga to bring me soup and medicine!
- my extended family
- gardening and flowers

I love cone-flowers!

and on that note....

To my beloved....

Dear friend,

I can't believe I am about to write this, and there isn't any graceful way to put this, but I'm afraid our time together must come to an end. This is high on my list of 'hard things I have had to do' and I wish it could be some other way. Our relationship is so intertwined it is almost unfathomable how I will be able to go on without you; however, it is time.

It seems crazy to me, for a number of reasons, why our relationship has to end because you have always been there for me, regardless of my state of mood and mind.

We have shared much, you and I. When I have been in dark places where no one else could find me - you have been there. In times of great joy - you have been there. We have experienced peaceful moments together when my heart feels full and content. When patience is necessary you have helped me, and given me a distraction. When I am angry, nervous, anxious,  or scared - you are there. You have shared my heartache, my loneliness and my despair. When I can't sleep, can't think, can't function, you are there and you are there without asking anything of me. When I am with you I am able to stop all my 'doing' and just be.

You have been there for the most mundane tasks and help me carry them through until completion. You are my reward. We have traveled together, you and I. You have been with me in all my different jobs and through various stages of my education. We have seen many sights together and you have helped me to sit still and enjoy those sights by helping me be in my surroundings, instead of running off to the next 'thing'. You and I have shared many years of coffee, meals, wine and company with others. I'm hard pressed to think of something we haven't shared together - our relationship runs so deep!

With you I have been able to be myself - fully, completely and without any guilt or need to be otherwise. When my head is racing, you are there to bring me down, to help me breathe. You, who does not judge and knows me more intimately than any other friend, or lover, or therapist. We brave storms together, you and I, and regardless of how crazy others think we are - I know. Most importantly, you are there for me whenever I need you and I don't have to ask, or express my need which is so hard for me to do.

I am quite certain, no one else will be able to give me what you have given me, whenever I need it - except myself. I am scared. I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose you but in all the relief and sharing you offer, you may kill me. I've come to a point in my life where this is important - my life is important - and I would like the opportunity to go on living it. But first I have to sacrifice you... my dearest, most precious friend and confidante.

Most people do not understand our connection and only want to judge us for it. They think I am being overly dramatic and don't understand why our break up is so hard for me, but this is how I feel - these are my feelings. They don't understand our relationship, and I know I can't do anything about this, but it makes it that much harder to say goodbye to you - you who never judges me for my imperfections. You are a part of me, you are in me, and this is where the problem lies. I can feel you in me and because of this, I have come to a crossroad where I have to decide - you or me? There can be no us....

The loneliness of life without you is terrifying. How am I supposed to do this on my own? The grief at having to break off our relationship is real and very deep. This isn't because I don't love you because I do - how can I not? You are my everything. I am you and you are me, or at least that's the way it feels. The reality is that I don't want to be alone, and without you, I will be completely alone in all those moments that others can't share, that I can't share. What will become of me?

How do I do this without you?

What is happening?

I love this phrase.

I have heard it quite a bit over the last year and it's usually said by someone looking particularly bewildered about something. I have heard people say it in regards to the weather, the state of the world, relationships and at weird things that occur at parties when people start to get a little crazy.

This is how I'm feeling at the moment - a sense of bewilderment, unease and even awe. So, what is happening? Nothing feels right, I am out of sorts, and because of this I am questioning everything....

What is happening? Why is this happening? How did this happen? Was there a trigger? What was the trigger? If I had been paying attention would this have happened? Will I always yo-yo this way? Why am I so unsettled? Why can't I just stop? Why can't I really learn anything? I know how to do this - so why am I not? Why do I have to be so stubborn? Am I too demanding of others? Why don't I just suck it up and work a full-time job? How am I going to make ends meet? Will I ever really be loved, for who I am, without any strings attached? Do people even like me? Do I even like me? Where has my life gone? What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to survive? How is a person supposed to do this on their own? Will this deep hurt ever go away? Will they ever do anything they say they are going to do? Why do people lie? How am I expected to trust? Will I ever have the answers? Are there any answers to be found? What's the point exactly? What the fuck is going on?

This is usually followed by: I haven't learned anything in the last year even though I have dedicated myself to this process, I am such an idiot, why do I have to act so stupid around this stuff, I am too much for people to deal with, I hate my stupid feelings, etc. etc.

pretty self-explanatory....

*pause*

And now the voice of my therapist in my head, (not entirely unlike the voice I used to hear in my head of a former ballet teacher of mine every time I took class), and I paraphrase - "the tricky thing with depression is when you start to outwardly search for answers or solutions. Doing this starts a cycle of self-criticism, self-blame and self-judgment, which only adds to your already negative feelings, and spirals your mood down even more. Instead, try being still, compassionate and loving to yourself, and go inward. You don't have to go anywhere, change, or do anything, the answer is within you."

For something that sounds really lovely and easy it sure is a lot of hard and complicated work.... Grrr.

Ahhh, the cycle of it all...

Here, in this moment, or actually several weeks of moments strung together like a dollar store 'pearl' necklace, I find myself struggling. This is contrary to my previous post where everything was feeling sparkly and bright. It's amazing how quickly things change - I find it disconcerting....

This moment doesn't feel so great. Everything feels like work again, my energy is low, I want to hide and I can't get anything done. It isn't as bad as it was last time, or the time before that, which is a blessing, but it's still hard. Writing this post is frustrating me because I feel like I can't be clear - and for me - lack of clarity equals some form of disaster, where things usually fall apart and hurt is sure to follow.

Maybe I should just write a 'where I'm at' list:

- Something new isn't as new anymore and I feel as though something has been taken away from me, and I miss it.
- I feel overwhelmed with work and on days when I have to go in, I find myself trying to make up acceptable reasons to stay home.
- I have a 'to do' list that isn't getting any smaller (which is bring up feeling of worthlessness).
- My body hurts all day.
- I am having problems sleeping.
- I am grinding my teeth.
- I am sick of where I am.
- I feel like shit for not working more, even though I don't think I'm capable at the moment, but I need money.
- My eating has changed and I find myself binging more often.
- My pharmacy changed the generic brand of my anti-depressant and it's not the same.
- My therapist has been on vacation and my appointments haven't been as regular. (Which has made me realize how important our work together is because she helps keep me on my path through her questions, thoughts, comments.)
- I become angry very quickly.
- I cry very easily.
- I want to connect with people but can't figure out how.
- Everything feels out of control.
- I am restless and know I should 'sit in it' but feel like I need more support in order to do so.

To sum it all up.... I feel like shit.

The End

Depression Check-list....

It's pretty hard for me to believe, but less than a year ago I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. The good news is - it feels like a lifetime ago! The other good news is, I'm feeling stronger and stronger, due to my continuing dedication and perseverance in all matters regarding my mental health. This isn't to say that I'm a perfectly happy person, but damn, despite the lows I still experience, it's nothing compared to what it was.

I thought I would share the Major Depression checklist from a book on my bookshelf called - 'The Mindful Way Through Depression - freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness':

Major depression is diagnosed when someone experiences either of the first two symptoms in the following list, and at least four or more of the other symptoms, continuously over a least a two-week period and in a way that depart from normal functioning.

1. Feeling depressed or sad most of the day
2. Loss of interest or ability to derive pleasure from all or nearly all activities what were previously enjoyed.
3. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain, or a decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
4. Difficulty sleeping through the night or the need for more sleep during the day.
5. Noticeably slowed down or agitated throughout the day
6. Feeling fatigued or a loss of energy nearly every day.
7. Feeling worthlessness or extreme or inappropriate guilt.
8. Difficulties with concentration or the ability to think, which can also be seen by others as indecisiveness.
9. Recurrent thoughts of death or ideas about suicide (with or without a specific plan for committing suicide) or a suicide attempt. (Williams, Teasdale, Segal, Kabat-Zinn, 19)

A year ago, I checked off numbers one through nine, without any hesitation. Three years ago, before my husband and I split, I could probably have done the same. Today, (which I'm realizing is the most important day for me to focus on) I can only check off one, so.... Hurray for me! Look where a whole lot of therapy, reflection, struggling to sit with my feelings, staying as true to my process as possible, mindfulness, oh and the aid of anti-depressants for help with clarity, has taken me!

Here's a photo of a different, equally scary, upward journey from a few years ago:

Williams,, Mark, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. The Mindful Way Through Depression - freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness. New York: The Guilford Press, 2007. 19. Print.

Meisje and Bakas and Bakas and me....

When I was 1, I was attacked by a small dog named Freedom. (Ha ha! Not many people can say they were attacked by freedom - this explains a lot!) On a side note, this dog belonged to a Japanese-Canadian relative that was interned during WWII; interesting choice of name isn't it?

As a result, I was terrified of small dogs, or more accurately, terrified of the pain I associated with them. Big dogs however, were a different story. I loved big dogs! I would casually run up to a big dog and throw my arms around it without a second thought. Does this sound dangerous to you, too? If a little dog stared at me I would run away crying. Ummmmm, can you say traumatized?

 My dad decided to pick up a small dog from the pound one day, to 'help' me get over my fear. His name was Bakas and he was a Peekapoo. Needless to say, I was terrified of him. In the beginning, I remember him playfully chasing after me in the backyard and me crying and running like hell for the picnic table, to get away from him. And the car ride home from the pound in which I was a passenger? Forget about it.... It was awful - there was screaming, and a whole lot of tears.

I eventually warmed up to Bakas and he turned out to by my faithful companion for about 16 years. He was the kind of dog that, if I was upset, would come snuggle up to me and nuzzle his little face into my hands until I wrapped him up into my arms and cried all over him. On top of being a supportive and attentive, he was also great at running and playing; for example, he patiently let me dress him up in my doll clothes, he let me push him around in my doll buggy, he patiently sat in my doll highchair (in costume), and he graciously took all my  other poking and prodding. He took really good care of me and I still have moments, almost 20 years later, where I miss him dearly.

Some of my fondest memories of Bakas, involve racing each other up and down my street - with him always in the lead. One day that suddenly changed, and I actually beat him. This was the day something clicked for me around the concept of aging and the movement of time. I looked at him and noticed that his hair was turning gray and then realized he wasn't as energetic as he used to be. I beat him - 'Bakas the Street Racing Champion' - in a race! I remember feeling very sad about this, and I'm speculating this was probably around the time that my grandpa had passed away, so I was starting to get a grasp on the idea of mortality. But don't quote me on this, the time line of my childhood is a collage of random memories.

Eventually, Bakas became a very sick, old dog and my family decided to put him down. My mom's friend drove me, Bakas, and my mom to the vet, which was very smart thinking on my mom's part. (You know, the whole grief stricken, driving with your child in the car thing...). I remember the way the vet gently lay him down on the table before explaining the process of euthanasia to us. I stayed by Bakas's head looking into his eyes, stroking his head, telling him I loved him and not to be scared, over and over, all the while crying my eyes out. I remember he looked really scared - which wasn't surprising since he always hated going to the vet, coupled with the fact that I was a blubbering mess. I remember watching the light go out of his eyes until he was gone.... It was an awful experience. It was a really awful experience. Like I've said before, I am a sensitive creature.

 My dear friend lost her dog companion of 15 years today. I have no words here, just a sense of loss and grief for her, her partner, and all the other people and critters Meisje's life touched.... That and love - a whole lot of love.

Here's a video of Loki harassing Meisje:

There is one last thing you should know about Bakas: When you pulled his ears back and smoothed them into his head he looked exactly like a seal.

I deserve this....

It's hot. Too hot and as a result I'm stuck inside with my head sensitivity. Yuck.

I tried out a new spread while using my Osho Zen Tarot deck today, and boy oh boy it was a doozy! I sure love my cards. There are days like today, when my cards make me giggle with delight. How the hell does this stuff work anyway? I am an eternal believing skeptic (when it comes to this stuff) even though it always speaks the Truth to me, so what's the deal?

So my issue (around my question regarding relationships in my life) appears to be that I am 'Flowering', which for me, is a hard thing to wrap my head around. Why you  may ask? Well, to voice the words yelling at me from inside my head, "you are undeserving, you are undeserving, you are undeserving, etc. etc.", you get the point. Apparently, some part of me thinks I am undeserving of this 'flowering'. Thankfully, the other part of me says BULLSHIT - I am totally deserving. I have worked  hard to get where I am now! I have worked hard to let go of old patterns, to recognize where my limitations are, to try not judge myself for them, and basically to be more loving and compassionate towards myself and therefor others. I am totally deserving of this blessing of flowering. (Hmmm, maybe it isn't that hard after-all.)

I love the flowering of this flower...

The internal influence I'm unable to see is 'Change'. Change is really hard for me, it scares me, I can feel it in my body and because of my fear, it hurts. There has been a whole lot of change happening in my life, emotionally and otherwise. I think it's time for me to sit in peaceful silence with this knowing, to honor myself and extend my gratitude out to the universe, instead of running away from it screaming "retreat, retreat". I have worked hard to achieve this necessary change, it has happened, it is happening, and I deserve this.

Speaking of change, here's something else that changed. 

It kept me company one day....

The external influence of which I am aware is 'ripeness'. I am ready to go. Like fruit that falls from a tree when it is ripe, I too, can relax in this place and just let go. There isn't any need for me to try so hard, or force myself to do anything because I am ripe and I deserve this.

What is needed for resolution (in my relationships) is 'Mind' - a very intimidating looking card - but the card that made the delight burst forward from within me. It was my "ah ha" card of the spread. Right now, I don't have to worry about anyone but instead pay attention to myself, to my feelings, to my wants and needs. And it's important for me to realize that the head trip that is happening, isn't mine... It isn't mine. I am in a place of flowering, change and ripeness, I have worked hard to get here and I deserve this.

And lastly the resolution or understanding is 'No-thingness'. I am in a state of pure potential right now and in the words of my Osho book:

All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.

Have I mentioned I deserve this? Because if I haven't...

I deserve this.

*and exhale*

Quero Apache Prayer

Looking behind I am filled with gratitude.

Looking forward I am filled with vision.

Looking upward I am filled with strength.

Looking within I discover peace.

Write about a plate.

This is a story I wrote in my therapeutic writing group in January 2010.

Every week, the group's facilitator presents us with a topic, and we are given one hour to write about it. The earthquake yesterday, and the end of  a different relationship, inspired me to post this....

Write about a plate:

What happens when plates rub, slip or collide? Things shatter, fall down, and there's a whole lot of destruction - even death. Look what's happening in Haiti - case in point. Imagine the world as you know it shaking, rumbling, breaking apart. Imagine your ground not being there anymore. Imagine the terror, anguish, grief, confusion, and anger as your world comes tumbling down around you. Imagine the feelings of helplessness, the denial, the rage, the exhaustion.

I can imagine it all. I'm living through my own personal earthquake at the moment, it's been going on for years, and the aftershocks keep hitting me in waves. I get my footing, feel some solid ground, and then get knocked on my back, again and again. (And the really selfish part of me just wants the world to help me too. I'm such an asshole).

I had a whole stack of plates once, all very fancy and white and new. Just like us:  fancy, new, and partially white. 12 dinner plates, 12 salad plates, and more than half a dozen other platter plates - all matching. That's a lot of plates and that's only counting the 'nice' ones. I'm down to 6 of each now - I lost the others in my earthquake.

Taken after the 1933 Long Beach Earthquake.

 

Strangely fitting to my story don't you think?

So now I'm picking up the pieces. Rebuilding a home, trying to find security, but really just trying to survive. Isn't that all anyone can do? I'm trying, trying so hard to get out of the fog. It feels like I lost my brain somewhere. If you find it please return it to me - I'd give you my address but I can't remember it at the moment. Oh dear!

I'm trying to find my way out of the rubble but it keeps coming down around me. A part of me wants to find a blanket, pull it over my head and just wait for everything to finally come crashing down on me. Then I wouldn't have to worry, to feel anything, I could finally rest, or maybe not, who knows.

Taken after the earthquake in Haiti.

 

My own personal earthquake is hell. There is no place to hide. I'm tired, confused and scared. I crave warmth and safety. I crave a stable ground to sit on, walk on, lay on. I crave a place with minimal friction, a place without all the shaking and drama.

Goodbye's....

I don't like goodbye's. I never have. There is something I put on this 'act of parting' that always makes it unusually sad for me. Somewhere along the way, I made goodbye's feel permanent - an ending - when in reality I know they aren't, not always anyway. I  know goodbye's are an inevitability, a part of daily living, just as much as the 'hello's' are but they hurt me just the same.

 Here's a shot of Ashbridges Bay at dawn....

Hello Sun. Goodbye Sun.

Hello daylilies. Goodbye daylilies.

Hello glass of wine. Goodbye glass of wine.

Hello baby. Goodbye baby....

A healing prayer for the Gulf

This is something that was sent to me today and I wanted to share.... 

  

Blessing the Water - set an intention of love and healing

Dr. Emoto - author scientist, and humanitarian - has shared a brief, yet power prayer and we are passing it along here as a focal point, a space of conscious creation allowing us to move past fear, judgment and retribution into Unity, Harmony and Wholeness. This prayer is structured using Ho'oponopono and is directed initially at WATER - the element connecting ALL Life on the planet. Water ... the carrier of Spirit and the flow-er of Love!!! 

Dr. Masaru Emoto's Healing Prayer for the Gulf:

"I send the energy of love and gratitude to the water and all the living creatures in the Gulf of Mexico and its surroundings.

To the whales, dolphins, pelicans, fish, shellfish, plankton, coral, algae, and all living creatures...

I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you."

We are passing this request to people who we believe might be willing to participate in this prayer, to set an intention of love and healing that is so large, so overwhelming that we can perform a miracle in the Gulf of Mexico.

We are not powerless. We are powerful. Our united energy, speaking this prayer daily... multiple times daily... can literally shift the balance of destruction that is happening.

We don't have to know how... we just have to recognize that the power of love is greater than any power active in the Universe today.

Please join us in repeating this healing prayer of Dr. Emoto's. And feel free to copy and paste this to send it around the planet. Let's take charge, and do our own clean up!

Here's a shot of some different water that fills my head with childhood memories....
 

A concept....

I've been doing some thinking around something that was mentioned by a participant in my therapeutic writing group: It is the concept of 'meeting a person where they are.' It is extremely hard to do but (in my own personal experience) it is beneficial to the person in crisis, or distress, or whatever the word may be.

I'll use my depression as an example. When I am feeling really down, or exhausted, or a number of other uncomfortable feelings I am feeling, I often get 'advice' on what I should/could be doing to make myself feel better. It is all very valid,  mostly wise advice, all given with love, but it does nothing for me. As a result, my internal dialogue sounds something like: "they are right, I should (insert advice here) because it should make me feel better. This works for them so why doesn't work for me? I am so fucked up. They have it all figured out and I don't, I don't deserve to be on this planet, etc. etc."

The best of intentions, in reality, usually make me feel worse. I know there are things out there that make people feel better; however, we are all highly individual - well,  individuals - with different backgrounds, experiences, beliefs, etc. 

I completely understand where this need/desire to help other people comes from because I am guilty of offering advice too. I do this because having to 'meet the person where they are' is tricky business. It makes me feel bad and I want to help them, I want to fix them, I want them to feel better and most importantly, I know stuff. I consider myself to be wise in certain areas and I feel like I know what would benefit the person the most, instead of letting them feel what they are feeling, work through it themselves or quite simply, support them. I have suggestions to offer them that they may not know about or have thought about. (I did this for years with my parents concerning their diagnosis with Parkinson's and guess what? Much to my frustration - they didn't do one thing I suggested. Not one.)

It is hard to stand back and watch someone you care for be miserable, or scared, or uncomfortable, and upon reflection, I discovered the real reason I find it hard is because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Yup, you read me right - their distress makes me uncomfortable and because of my feelings... I want to fix them. If I were to offer some words of wisdom and they were to get better, feel better, then I would feel better. I wouldn't have to deal with MY feelings around their pain anymore - and don't kid yourselves because this is what it is really about - our feelings, not theirs, not really. Do you see where it gets tricky?

So what is the solution to this? What if we were to all 'meet each other where we were'? What if we were to let the person feel their feelings without trying to take them away? What then? Would chaos rule the world, and order as we know it, cease to exist? Or would our loved one, feel badly for awhile and work it out for themselves, with us firmly rooted in the ground beside them? What if they never figured it out for themselves? What would this mean? Would it mean we were a bad person for not intervening, or something else? What is this something else?

Broken record....

Tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

An article on Depression

This is a copy of an insightful article my therapist gave me to read over and pass on to my friends and family. I have highlighted and italicized areas that most resonate with me and my experiences.

Depression: From the Inside Out

By Carol Bailey

(excerpted from the Mood Disorders Association of Metro Toronto Handbook)

It is difficult, perhaps impossible, to fully comprehend the feelings and thoughts of someone who is clinically depressed if you have not experienced mood disorder yourself. Yet, some degree of understanding is necessary to help you respond to a depressed relative or friend in an appropriate and supportive way. Some degree of understanding also helps to alleviate the frustration and guilt you may feel when all your best efforts to improve the mood of your relative or friend don’t work.

It is unfortunate that the same word – depression – is used to describe both a normal mood experienced by everyone at one time or another and a serious form of mental illness. It certainly confuses the issue. Nevertheless, the two do share a common starting point that our journey into darkness begins.

Everyone knows what it feels like to be sad and even emotionally crushed by life events. Virtually everyone has felt the pain of losing a loved one through death or separation. Virtually everyone has experienced the devastation of a broken heart at the end of a romantic involvement. Virtually everyone has experienced the pain of failure and disappointment. We certainly all know what sadness and small “d” depression feels like.

Clinical depression often starts out the same way. You feel sad, you feel blue. You cry (or feel like crying) more easily, your appetite is affected – you eat more than usual, or don’t eat as much. Your concentration is off a bit, you don’t feel like socializing. You feel sorry for yourself. Often a major disappointment or loss started you on your way, although with clinical depression, sometimes you start to feel down for no particular reason.

It’s at this point that the two depressions start to part company.  The aching pain of profound sadness, almost palpable, is, if anything, heavier and deeper. You begin to realize that the pain is more severe than it should be – that whatever caused your depressed mood does not merit the depth of the pain you feel. You begin to feel out of control – that dark tentacles of depression are spreading through you, taking over, and you can’t do anything about it. You start to feel like you are no longer you.

Feelings of dread, self-disgust and shame overwhelm you.  You feel weak and helpless. You start to hate yourself for being so weak and out of control.  And you can see no light at the end of the tunnel. You see your unbearable pain stretching endlessly into the future.  You can no longer remember what “normal” feels like.

Your thinking slows down, almost to a crawl. It becomes difficult to concentrate and to remember details. You have trouble understanding the meaning of words on the printed page. You start to feel stupid. You struggle with the simplest decision – it takes enormous effort and sometimes you just give up – you do nothing because you can’t make a decision.

Your physical energy levels drop. You often feel physically and emotionally exhausted. You have to gear yourself up to just get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes, in spite of your best efforts, you just can’t get up.  You just can’t. And the mornings are usually the worst. That brief interval between the sleeping and the waking state – that instant when you realize where you are and what is happening to you – comes back as an overwhelming shock.  You feel as if a load of bricks had been dumped on your chest – the wind knocked out of you. You are terrified and you want to retreat back into the protection of sleep.  Sleep becomes your safe place – your only way to escape the pain.  You pull the covers over your head because you are afraid of the pain.

When you do manage to drag yourself out of bed and get yourself dressed, you find that you have lost interest in everything.  The depression wraps you in a thick, heavy blanket.  Nothing gives you pleasure; you can’t laugh; you can’t feel joy. Food, when you can get it down, is tasteless. You could sit for hours watching hilarious videos and not crack a smile, although your logic tells you the movie is funny and you should be laughing.

You feel separated from everything and from everyone as if a great translucent force field was keeping you out and isolated.  When people talk to you, you often feel as though they were a million miles away – at the far end of a giant telescope.  And even when you feel well enough to play a game or sport, you feel like a robot, as if you were just going through the motions.  Sometimes you feel like you are invisible.

Although the depression tends to lift somewhat as the day goes on, depressed feelings come in waves – suddenly washing over you with no warning.  At these moments you feel particularly helpless, like a small twig being tossed around on a stormy sea.

When you are depressed and feeling out of control, you don’t like yourself. You know you are a burden to others. You know that people don’t feel comfortable in your company. So you avoid people, you withdraw. You feel disgusted with yourself and your weakness. You begin to think about suicide.

When you are depressed, you do not think of suicide as the “easy” way out. You think of suicide as the only way out of an unendurable living hell. When you are depressed you do not think of suicide as a “permanent solution to a temporary problem”. You think of suicide as the only solution to an agonizing existence that feels permanent. When you are depressed, you think of suicide as the only way to free your loved ones and your friends from the heavy burden you impose on them – and from the shame. You truly believe that the world would be a better place if you were not in it.

People can’t understand how you feel. Many think you are weak, selfish, lazy.  Many think you want to feel depressed. You feel totally, starkly alone – as alone as any human being has ever felt. You don’t deserve to feel any better. You don’t deserve to live. You’ve reached bottom…

And then one day, you pick up a newspaper and you can understand what the words say. You hear a joke and you actually smile. You find it easier to get up in the morning. You still feel bad, but you have more and more moments when you feel almost human. And then, suddenly, you realize that your mood is back to normal. The rest of your life, however, probably isn’t. You have a lot of cleaning up to do, a lot of repairing. You need all the help and understanding you can get.

Living with someone who is depressed is an ordeal that only those who have been there can truly appreciate. Your best efforts to help your relative or friend feel better either have no effect at all or seem to aggravate the situation. How, then, should you respond?

It is essential to understand that your relative’s or friend’s mood is beyond their personal control.  When you remind the depressed person that s/he has everything to live for, that other people have much more serious problems, you are just reminding them of something they already know – that their mood is out of control and inappropriate.  You are just reminding them that they are weak and reinforcing the guilt they already feel.

The fact is, there is nothing you can say to banish the depression.  You can, however, relieve some of the pain and provide comfort simply by being there – simply by listening to your friend or relative when they most need you – simply by letting the depressed person know that you care and that s/he is a worthwhile person who is needed and loved.

Try to understand that the person you know is still there, under the veil of depression. Try to understand that their withdrawal is in no way a rejection of you or other family remembers and that their lack of response does not reflect a lack of will power or a weak constitution. Your loved one is ill. The brain chemicals (or neurotransmitters) that regulate mood are out of balance – it is both that simple and that complicated.

Mood disorder is a tough thing to live with, whether directly or indirectly. I used to blame myself and the people who couldn’t understand me. I don’t anymore. I do my best to let people know that it has nothing to do with selfishness or a lack of will power or a desire to wallow in self-pity.  A mood disorder is a trip I would rather not take. When it happens, all I ask is that you understand I’m not a voluntary tourist [on this scary vacation]. Don’t blame me, [don’t blame yourself],  don’t blame anyone. Let’s, once and for all, banish the negative stereotypes to the history books where they belong.

The grief of lilac trees....

A few years ago my friend and I went Lilac tree shopping at Sheridan Nurseries. She was extremely pregnant at the time and it was a ridiculously hot day. As we browsed, I watched her slowly melt into the tarmac - it was that hot! Regardless of the weather, we were fortunate to walk away with trees we both loved. I planted mine with great care in the backyard of my house, right next to my deck so I could enjoy it all year round - flowers or no flowers.

This isn't my tree; it's one I borrowed....

I have been thinking about my tree lately, now that all the lilacs are in bloom. I miss my tree, I miss my house. I miss my 'other' family. It interests me how painful this feels.

Hello and goodbye....

So my 35th birthday has come and gone - hello and good-bye.

The weekend before my birthday, I met with a few of my girlfriends and we got to talking about where our younger selves thought we would be at our current ages. I found it an interesting question because I had never really thought about my future in terms of school goals or career goals or anything along those lines; however, I did think, by the grand age of 35, I would be married with a house and a couple of kids. I can't say it was my goal or anything but it is definitely where I thought I would be. I was married, I was a homeowner but that's all over and done with now, and the kid thing? It never happened for us - Thank god!

My birthday was nice and reasonably mellow because my beau and I ventured out into the great outdoors for a couple nights of camping. It was gorgeous and I was grateful for the opportunity, due to the unseasonably warm weather - ummm, thanks global warming. There was only a couple other campers out, it being so early in the season and all, so we pretty much had the run of the campground. For anyone familiar with camping around the Southern Ontario region, this feeling of privacy in Nature is a nice treat because it's usually hard to come by.

But (and here it is again) - it was exhausting! I was exhausted! Again, with the exhaustion! I was out doing something I love and instead of enjoying it, I was spending most my time beating myself up for how tired I felt. My internal voice was telling me I should be more grateful instead of whining about being tired. I should be more energetic because I have a whole campground to myself AND I have my bike with me. My beautiful bike that I adore so very much! I should be enjoying this more but it all feels really hard. And it goes on and on and on....

Here she is! Isn't she a beauty?

Cooking was something I dreaded because I didn't want to do it - at all. I bought a whole bunch of processed, easily prepared food to make things easier and it was still too much! I was annoyed at having to deal with the food preparation, and the more annoyed I became, the less motivated I felt. We didn't eat one night because I couldn't be bothered to whip us up a bull-shit meal. Wow! Listen to the self-blame here. Interesting. Maybe I should go a little easier on myself, considering I wasn't the only 'adult' up there.

On my birthday, I convinced myself to go for a bike ride because I thought it would be really nice to sit at one of my favorite spots in the park, look at the water, and drink my coffee. My special spot is about 3 km away from where we camp, in a different section of the park, and I felt lazy for wanting to drive there when I should take my bike - so I rode my bike. Ha! Will I ever learn? The ride there was okay but on my way back I was really, really tired. I even contemplated phoning my beau to ask him to come pick me up in the car! But no, that would be lame on my part (regardless of how I was feeling) so I plugged along. I was tired, upset, my legs didn't seem to be working properly, I thought I was going to fall over AND I was cycling into a terrific wind. Misery of all misery...

Here's a photo of my favorite spot for some distraction!

These feelings of mine are very complicated. On a positive note, I did manage to open my birthday present earlier in the day - something I don't normally do. It's one of my 'things', but I thought I would try out something different and scary, it being my 35th birthday and all. There's something for me around trying to extend holidays/celebrations for as long as possible. The feeling is, if I open my presents too early there is nothing left and the day is over. The thought of something 'special' being over is not something I can easily part with - I want it to go on and on. I did this when my marriage was ending as well, I couldn't let it or my husband go and so I hung around draining myself for a good year before I stopped. Weird huh?! Talk about a wounded inner child.

I also convinced myself to go on Facebook to see if anyone noticed it was my birthday. (And believe me; a part of me was expecting it to go unnoticed.) Why is this a big deal you may be wondering? Well, for me the possible lack of recognition would be proof that I don't mean much, that I'm invisible, but this is a whole other highly insecure post.... I'll keep it in my pocket for awhile longer.

Oh and if you were wondering the answer is yes, we were camping with a computer and a Rogers Internet stick. I am officially citified!

Questioning normal....

Coming to terms with a diagnosis of Clinical Depression has been a complete mind-fuck for me.

One obvious example of this is how I constantly question 'normal' (although not necessarily healthy) states of being on a regular basis. Is my mood/feeling something a 'normal', non-depressed person would experience, or is this another case of denial on my part, regarding the big D - Depression? I suffer from Depression, I am not like 'normal' people, whatever any of this even means.

Here is my current situation. I have been doing quite well. A hell of a lot better than I was doing 6 months ago, when leaving my house was next to impossible. Now that I think about it, I have been doing great! I'm out in the world, riding my bike everywhere, working a couple times a week, taking care of animals, planning surprise parties, and helping out friends. I am now fully capable of doing more than one thing in a day too, which is an accomplishment and major victory! But (and there always seems to be a but) amidst all this goodness, is an undeniable undercurrent of fear - the fear of returning to my dark place. In this place, nothing makes sense, everything is confusing, everything feels hard, and not living seems like an easy (and often the best) option. Just to clarify here, I have never wanted to kill myself, I have just really struggled with the feeling of not wanting to be alive.

So where are my ramblings leading?

I have been noticing a lingering feeling of exhaustion, which for those that don't know, is one of the symptoms of depression. I am exhausted. I am tired all the time and no amount of coffee seems to be helping me out. I am tired in the morning, afternoon and evening and this is where things get complicated for me. I am exhausted and because of this feeling, I am questioning the state of my mental health. Am I genuinely tired, or is this Depression? Does this 'symptom' mean I am getting depressed again? But wait! I am already depressed, just not 'that' depressed. Have I mentioned that I find this confusing? This is about as clear as I can get at the moment - I am a highly functioning depressed woman, scared of my exhaustion and "oh god, is this the start of another round of this?"

As a result of my fear surrounding my exhaustion, I have noticed myself digging in my heels a little bit, or more truthfully, a whole lot. The feeling is, if I try really hard to not feel exhausted, then I won't get all dark and dysfunctional; however, from my past experiences and reminders from my therapist, I know, this is just fueling my cycle even more.

So here I sit, or more honestly, squirm. I am exhausted and therefore scared because it may very well lead me back to the big D - Depression. I am very clear in that I don't want to go back to that paralyzing form of Depression again, so I do what has always come naturally to me - I fight it. I fight it instead of allowing it to be what it is and guess what? It's exhausting. And on top of it I'm getting dizzy from the cycle of it all - spinning and spinning and spinning.

So what are my options? Dig my heels in and fight? Or, sit in the feeling of the exhaustion and stop 'doing' anything? What then? What will happen? So many question and no easy answers....