Questioning normal....

Coming to terms with a diagnosis of Clinical Depression has been a complete mind-fuck for me.

One obvious example of this is how I constantly question 'normal' (although not necessarily healthy) states of being on a regular basis. Is my mood/feeling something a 'normal', non-depressed person would experience, or is this another case of denial on my part, regarding the big D - Depression? I suffer from Depression, I am not like 'normal' people, whatever any of this even means.

Here is my current situation. I have been doing quite well. A hell of a lot better than I was doing 6 months ago, when leaving my house was next to impossible. Now that I think about it, I have been doing great! I'm out in the world, riding my bike everywhere, working a couple times a week, taking care of animals, planning surprise parties, and helping out friends. I am now fully capable of doing more than one thing in a day too, which is an accomplishment and major victory! But (and there always seems to be a but) amidst all this goodness, is an undeniable undercurrent of fear - the fear of returning to my dark place. In this place, nothing makes sense, everything is confusing, everything feels hard, and not living seems like an easy (and often the best) option. Just to clarify here, I have never wanted to kill myself, I have just really struggled with the feeling of not wanting to be alive.

So where are my ramblings leading?

I have been noticing a lingering feeling of exhaustion, which for those that don't know, is one of the symptoms of depression. I am exhausted. I am tired all the time and no amount of coffee seems to be helping me out. I am tired in the morning, afternoon and evening and this is where things get complicated for me. I am exhausted and because of this feeling, I am questioning the state of my mental health. Am I genuinely tired, or is this Depression? Does this 'symptom' mean I am getting depressed again? But wait! I am already depressed, just not 'that' depressed. Have I mentioned that I find this confusing? This is about as clear as I can get at the moment - I am a highly functioning depressed woman, scared of my exhaustion and "oh god, is this the start of another round of this?"

As a result of my fear surrounding my exhaustion, I have noticed myself digging in my heels a little bit, or more truthfully, a whole lot. The feeling is, if I try really hard to not feel exhausted, then I won't get all dark and dysfunctional; however, from my past experiences and reminders from my therapist, I know, this is just fueling my cycle even more.

So here I sit, or more honestly, squirm. I am exhausted and therefore scared because it may very well lead me back to the big D - Depression. I am very clear in that I don't want to go back to that paralyzing form of Depression again, so I do what has always come naturally to me - I fight it. I fight it instead of allowing it to be what it is and guess what? It's exhausting. And on top of it I'm getting dizzy from the cycle of it all - spinning and spinning and spinning.

So what are my options? Dig my heels in and fight? Or, sit in the feeling of the exhaustion and stop 'doing' anything? What then? What will happen? So many question and no easy answers....

Bright and Shiny

I have figured it out!

What I want most in my life, what I crave more than a salty bag of chips with dip (on a 'bad' day), is to attain what I have seen in my dear cousin, and now my friend. Like me, these two beautiful women are recently separated/ divorced, but they embody something I haven't yet been able to access. It is magical and I want to, more than anything, be able to step into their shoes for even a day to experience it.

Drum roll please.... I want to be Bright and Shiny. Maybe a feeling similar to this?

That's it, that's all. I want to be bright and shiny. I want it to come pouring out of me as it does them. I want to feel the warmth of it, I want to be able to breathe it in, I want to feel it rolling off my skin, I want it to radiate out of my pours and eyes for all people to witness (and therefore benefit from, like I recently have had the pleasure of doing). It is beautiful and it is powerful and I want it!!

It is calm, it is peace, it is contentment, and most importantly - it is power - personal power.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't envious of them. How the hell did they find it? I've been in therapy for years, sorting through my 'stuff', and it feels like I'm still a far way off from achieving what they have. How did they, after about a year, manage to find it, hold onto it and embody it? I'm clearly doing something wrong here because I seem to be stuck in the 'Dark and Twisty' realm. 

 Grrrrrr. Oh look! Here I am!

Step one - a letter to my friendly lovers

(This was originally sent October 2009)

Dear friends,

I have decided to send out an email to those of you that have been an important part of my life, to shed some light on my recent diagnosis of clinical depression.

I am attempting to do this for a couple of reasons; the key reason being, trying to understand and make sense of this illness myself (which has me completely confused, irritated and terrified), in an attempt to move onward and upward! And the secondary reason being, to hopefully bring some awareness around depression and the sometimes debilitating effects of this disorder, in relation to my own personal struggle, and the struggle of the millions of people out there battling on.....

I am not trying to be self-indulgent here. It is my hope that my experiences can be a useful tool in shedding some light on this illness because that is what it is - an illness.  Maybe because you all know me, it will make ‘depression’ a little more personal and make you want to understand it a little more - or maybe not. I understand either way. Hell, if I wasn’t going through this myself, I don’t think I would give this any thought (and I have experience with family members in this area!)

 I’m just putting it out there because I am through doing the bullshit, sugar coating, unhelpful, “no seriously I’m fine”, nicey-nice garbage (that I usually pull off with the greatest of ease).  And just to be clear, I do not want your sympathy. What I do hope for is your compassion, and hopefully, understanding on this matter of my mental health! All I ask is that you listen with your hearts and minds and perhaps contemplate this a little - for me, and all the others out there, who need a whole pile of support from the peeps in their lives.

I understand how difficult it is to comprehend the affects of depression. I understand how easy it is to say or think phrases like “let it go’, “get over it”, “suck it up” or “there is a lot of good in your life, focus on that.”  I understand because I spent many years thinking/saying similar things to my sister, (who spent a number of years extremely depressed) and now my inner dialogue is saying the same things to me. However, now that I’m inside the belly of this monster, it’s a whole other perspective. 

Being depressed, coming to terms with the fact that I am suffering from depression, confusion around what depression is and what it means, and millions of nasty personal judgements that have come along with this process of mine, is a lot. I am full. If this sounds at all melodramatic, I assure you, it is not.

For me, everyday chores/duties/responsibilities, can sometimes feel impossible: Walking my dog, going to bed, feeding my dog, getting groceries, figuring out what groceries to buy, having a shower, getting dressed, having to phone people, dealing with emails, dishes, brushing my teeth, getting up out of bed and having to make it through another day. (I understand that a lot of these things I mentioned above are hard to do for each and every one of us. Now take your feelings about them and multiply them until you are paralyzed by the thought of having to do them).  

Leaving my house.... Every-time I leave my house it is a chore. Combine more than 3 of those things in a day, and it’s almost too much for me to bear. My anxiety skyrockets and I spend hours reassuring myself that “I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.” Work is overwhelming. Talking can be overwhelming. Sometimes I can’t understand what people are saying because I am suddenly overcome with confusion, like the person is speaking to me in a different language.

 Everything is exhausting. Everything is extremely difficult and nothing makes sense. I often look into the mirror and don’t understand who is looking back at me and where ‘I’ went. It is crazy – I feel crazy - and then I judge, and then I judge, and then I judge myself, for it. This ride, my friends, is not fun. It is, in fact, completely fucked up.

I talked this over, with a number of people, I love, admire, respect, and trust and made the very difficult decision to start taking drugs for this. As a result, leaving my house, and getting out of bed to face my day, has gotten much easier. Also, I can now get a full night’s sleep, my appetite has returned, my laughter is returning, my energy is returning and the numbness is going away.

After a week on this stuff, I was feeling like a new person and went into therapy to let my therapist know I was A-Okay. You can imagine my shock and anger when she advised me that everything I was feeling was great – but that I was still depressed.

I get it now and it scares me. The drugs are a band-aid that is enabling me to function like a non-depressed person, but I’m still depressed! I’m a pretty smart chick and I got fooled! I now realize that my only option to really and truly get a handle on this, is the drugs, in combination with weekly therapy and a weekly writing group that I am about to start. This – this, is going to help me gently kiss this illness good-bye, and send it on its way.

Please do not worry about ‘protecting’ me from what is going on in your lives. I love you all and think about you all the time.  I want to know how all of you are doing, what is making you happy, what you are struggling with, what makes each and every one of you – you! Heck! I find other peoples stuff a million times easier, than my own, and I have a sneaking suspicion I’m not the only one that feels this way. Let’s do this life thing together people!

I have attached an article that will hopefully give you, a general idea, of what depression can look like. It is my hope that it will fill in the blanks in the areas where I am still unclear. Of course depression is different for everyone (being that we are all unique creatures); however, there are definite similarities in what I am personally experiencing. I have also put a link to a site that has some statistics about depression at the bottom of this email.

Thanks for listening beauties! I miss you all – each and every one of you.