Ahhh, the cycle of it all...

Here, in this moment, or actually several weeks of moments strung together like a dollar store 'pearl' necklace, I find myself struggling. This is contrary to my previous post where everything was feeling sparkly and bright. It's amazing how quickly things change - I find it disconcerting....

This moment doesn't feel so great. Everything feels like work again, my energy is low, I want to hide and I can't get anything done. It isn't as bad as it was last time, or the time before that, which is a blessing, but it's still hard. Writing this post is frustrating me because I feel like I can't be clear - and for me - lack of clarity equals some form of disaster, where things usually fall apart and hurt is sure to follow.

Maybe I should just write a 'where I'm at' list:

- Something new isn't as new anymore and I feel as though something has been taken away from me, and I miss it.
- I feel overwhelmed with work and on days when I have to go in, I find myself trying to make up acceptable reasons to stay home.
- I have a 'to do' list that isn't getting any smaller (which is bring up feeling of worthlessness).
- My body hurts all day.
- I am having problems sleeping.
- I am grinding my teeth.
- I am sick of where I am.
- I feel like shit for not working more, even though I don't think I'm capable at the moment, but I need money.
- My eating has changed and I find myself binging more often.
- My pharmacy changed the generic brand of my anti-depressant and it's not the same.
- My therapist has been on vacation and my appointments haven't been as regular. (Which has made me realize how important our work together is because she helps keep me on my path through her questions, thoughts, comments.)
- I become angry very quickly.
- I cry very easily.
- I want to connect with people but can't figure out how.
- Everything feels out of control.
- I am restless and know I should 'sit in it' but feel like I need more support in order to do so.

To sum it all up.... I feel like shit.

The End