Depression Check-list....

It's pretty hard for me to believe, but less than a year ago I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. The good news is - it feels like a lifetime ago! The other good news is, I'm feeling stronger and stronger, due to my continuing dedication and perseverance in all matters regarding my mental health. This isn't to say that I'm a perfectly happy person, but damn, despite the lows I still experience, it's nothing compared to what it was.

I thought I would share the Major Depression checklist from a book on my bookshelf called - 'The Mindful Way Through Depression - freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness':

Major depression is diagnosed when someone experiences either of the first two symptoms in the following list, and at least four or more of the other symptoms, continuously over a least a two-week period and in a way that depart from normal functioning.

1. Feeling depressed or sad most of the day
2. Loss of interest or ability to derive pleasure from all or nearly all activities what were previously enjoyed.
3. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain, or a decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
4. Difficulty sleeping through the night or the need for more sleep during the day.
5. Noticeably slowed down or agitated throughout the day
6. Feeling fatigued or a loss of energy nearly every day.
7. Feeling worthlessness or extreme or inappropriate guilt.
8. Difficulties with concentration or the ability to think, which can also be seen by others as indecisiveness.
9. Recurrent thoughts of death or ideas about suicide (with or without a specific plan for committing suicide) or a suicide attempt. (Williams, Teasdale, Segal, Kabat-Zinn, 19)

A year ago, I checked off numbers one through nine, without any hesitation. Three years ago, before my husband and I split, I could probably have done the same. Today, (which I'm realizing is the most important day for me to focus on) I can only check off one, so.... Hurray for me! Look where a whole lot of therapy, reflection, struggling to sit with my feelings, staying as true to my process as possible, mindfulness, oh and the aid of anti-depressants for help with clarity, has taken me!

Here's a photo of a different, equally scary, upward journey from a few years ago:

Williams,, Mark, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. The Mindful Way Through Depression - freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness. New York: The Guilford Press, 2007. 19. Print.

Meisje and Bakas and Bakas and me....

When I was 1, I was attacked by a small dog named Freedom. (Ha ha! Not many people can say they were attacked by freedom - this explains a lot!) On a side note, this dog belonged to a Japanese-Canadian relative that was interned during WWII; interesting choice of name isn't it?

As a result, I was terrified of small dogs, or more accurately, terrified of the pain I associated with them. Big dogs however, were a different story. I loved big dogs! I would casually run up to a big dog and throw my arms around it without a second thought. Does this sound dangerous to you, too? If a little dog stared at me I would run away crying. Ummmmm, can you say traumatized?

 My dad decided to pick up a small dog from the pound one day, to 'help' me get over my fear. His name was Bakas and he was a Peekapoo. Needless to say, I was terrified of him. In the beginning, I remember him playfully chasing after me in the backyard and me crying and running like hell for the picnic table, to get away from him. And the car ride home from the pound in which I was a passenger? Forget about it.... It was awful - there was screaming, and a whole lot of tears.

I eventually warmed up to Bakas and he turned out to by my faithful companion for about 16 years. He was the kind of dog that, if I was upset, would come snuggle up to me and nuzzle his little face into my hands until I wrapped him up into my arms and cried all over him. On top of being a supportive and attentive, he was also great at running and playing; for example, he patiently let me dress him up in my doll clothes, he let me push him around in my doll buggy, he patiently sat in my doll highchair (in costume), and he graciously took all my  other poking and prodding. He took really good care of me and I still have moments, almost 20 years later, where I miss him dearly.

Some of my fondest memories of Bakas, involve racing each other up and down my street - with him always in the lead. One day that suddenly changed, and I actually beat him. This was the day something clicked for me around the concept of aging and the movement of time. I looked at him and noticed that his hair was turning gray and then realized he wasn't as energetic as he used to be. I beat him - 'Bakas the Street Racing Champion' - in a race! I remember feeling very sad about this, and I'm speculating this was probably around the time that my grandpa had passed away, so I was starting to get a grasp on the idea of mortality. But don't quote me on this, the time line of my childhood is a collage of random memories.

Eventually, Bakas became a very sick, old dog and my family decided to put him down. My mom's friend drove me, Bakas, and my mom to the vet, which was very smart thinking on my mom's part. (You know, the whole grief stricken, driving with your child in the car thing...). I remember the way the vet gently lay him down on the table before explaining the process of euthanasia to us. I stayed by Bakas's head looking into his eyes, stroking his head, telling him I loved him and not to be scared, over and over, all the while crying my eyes out. I remember he looked really scared - which wasn't surprising since he always hated going to the vet, coupled with the fact that I was a blubbering mess. I remember watching the light go out of his eyes until he was gone.... It was an awful experience. It was a really awful experience. Like I've said before, I am a sensitive creature.

 My dear friend lost her dog companion of 15 years today. I have no words here, just a sense of loss and grief for her, her partner, and all the other people and critters Meisje's life touched.... That and love - a whole lot of love.

Here's a video of Loki harassing Meisje:

There is one last thing you should know about Bakas: When you pulled his ears back and smoothed them into his head he looked exactly like a seal.

I deserve this....

It's hot. Too hot and as a result I'm stuck inside with my head sensitivity. Yuck.

I tried out a new spread while using my Osho Zen Tarot deck today, and boy oh boy it was a doozy! I sure love my cards. There are days like today, when my cards make me giggle with delight. How the hell does this stuff work anyway? I am an eternal believing skeptic (when it comes to this stuff) even though it always speaks the Truth to me, so what's the deal?

So my issue (around my question regarding relationships in my life) appears to be that I am 'Flowering', which for me, is a hard thing to wrap my head around. Why you  may ask? Well, to voice the words yelling at me from inside my head, "you are undeserving, you are undeserving, you are undeserving, etc. etc.", you get the point. Apparently, some part of me thinks I am undeserving of this 'flowering'. Thankfully, the other part of me says BULLSHIT - I am totally deserving. I have worked  hard to get where I am now! I have worked hard to let go of old patterns, to recognize where my limitations are, to try not judge myself for them, and basically to be more loving and compassionate towards myself and therefor others. I am totally deserving of this blessing of flowering. (Hmmm, maybe it isn't that hard after-all.)

I love the flowering of this flower...

The internal influence I'm unable to see is 'Change'. Change is really hard for me, it scares me, I can feel it in my body and because of my fear, it hurts. There has been a whole lot of change happening in my life, emotionally and otherwise. I think it's time for me to sit in peaceful silence with this knowing, to honor myself and extend my gratitude out to the universe, instead of running away from it screaming "retreat, retreat". I have worked hard to achieve this necessary change, it has happened, it is happening, and I deserve this.

Speaking of change, here's something else that changed. 

It kept me company one day....

The external influence of which I am aware is 'ripeness'. I am ready to go. Like fruit that falls from a tree when it is ripe, I too, can relax in this place and just let go. There isn't any need for me to try so hard, or force myself to do anything because I am ripe and I deserve this.

What is needed for resolution (in my relationships) is 'Mind' - a very intimidating looking card - but the card that made the delight burst forward from within me. It was my "ah ha" card of the spread. Right now, I don't have to worry about anyone but instead pay attention to myself, to my feelings, to my wants and needs. And it's important for me to realize that the head trip that is happening, isn't mine... It isn't mine. I am in a place of flowering, change and ripeness, I have worked hard to get here and I deserve this.

And lastly the resolution or understanding is 'No-thingness'. I am in a state of pure potential right now and in the words of my Osho book:

All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.

Have I mentioned I deserve this? Because if I haven't...

I deserve this.

*and exhale*

Quero Apache Prayer

Looking behind I am filled with gratitude.

Looking forward I am filled with vision.

Looking upward I am filled with strength.

Looking within I discover peace.