For me, there is something terrifying about loneliness, about being alone, or more honestly, about being without a companion. Even trying to write this post, is complicated for me. It feels as though I am lost in a thick fog, blindly trying to grasp the words or feelings I am looking for.
Maybe I'll try approach this in a different way, from the perspective of 'why' I like being with someone. I like the
feeling that someone has my back. I like the
feeling of being able to be fully vulnerable with another person. I like the
feeling of curling up in someone's arms. I like the
feeling of safety and security. I like the
feeling that, if shit is going down in my life, someone is there to see and feel me. I like the
feeling of getting close and forming a bond with someone. I like the
feeling of physical and emotional intimacy. I enjoy the
feeling of sharing - shopping trips, bike rides, meals, etc. I like the
feeling that if I fuck up, I won't be alone in it. (Zing - how's that for self-criticism - ouch!) Maybe the deeply wounded part of me, sees having a partner as an acknowledgment of my existence, proof that I really am here, that I'm not invisible, that I belong. Do I sound confused? I hope so because I am.
Lately, whenever I have had to check something off my list of 'adult experiences' (and believe me they have been many), one of the first people I want to turn to, is my ex-husband. This is a very interesting phenomenon for me. Why him, after so much time (and many experiences) have past? I want to phone him to tell him how awful things are, just so I can feel like everything is going to be okay, even if it's for a couple minutes. I want to curl up in bed or on the couch and have him hold me. Talk about romanticizing; however, in his defence there was a time when I felt I had that with him, which is probably why my mind goes there.
Is two really better than one?
These
feelings of mine are potentially dangerous for my mental health because my
experience has shown me otherwise. I often find myself in a position where I run straight into the waiting arms of the
possibility that my
feelings will be made real somehow. Yet, the reality is - I haven't met a partner who is available to navigate through my life with me. Is it because I'm too much? My depression is too much? I don't think so. I think it's more a matter of people and their limitations (and I write this with love, not contempt) because this is the reality. We are all limited, each and everyone of us, in different ways and in different degrees. Have I mentioned how confusing I find this?
I know several people that are perfectly content living their lives alone. They seem to have some kind of system in place where, as they begin to feel lonely, they enter into a quick-fix-lonely-buster relationship. A weekend here, dates there, a couple lovely nights, maybe even a few months of life devoid of loneliness and they are good. They move on, live their lives alone again, until the loneliness becomes too much and they repeat the cycle. I am not that person. I want more.
I am extremely fortunate in that I get truckloads of support from my therapist and all the wonderful women in my life; however, it isn't the same. Why is this? Why can't it be enough? Is this a societal thing that I'm up against? Are the feelings of being incomplete without a partner (at my age) something I have been unknowingly fed and unknowingly eaten? I know I am loved, by a number of people, so why do I feel so damn lonely? Why does this feel so hard?
Maybe I should watch this video everyday to help erase
some of my confusion around this subject....
(It's pretty great huh!?)
A woman in my writing group shared an interesting thought last week. Is it better so share a bed with someone just for the sake of sharing a bed? Is it better to pretend we aren't alone and to instead turn a blind eye to the reality of our partnership, just to stop the feelings of loneliness? Will the loneliness really stop when one enters into a relationship with another? There aren't any straightforward answers to these questions. For me, it's a case of 'my head knows the answers but my heart is yelling something different'.
*le sigh*
