I'll use my depression as an example. When I am feeling really down, or exhausted, or a number of other uncomfortable feelings I am feeling, I often get 'advice' on what I should/could be doing to make myself feel better. It is all very valid, mostly wise advice, all given with love, but it does nothing for me. As a result, my internal dialogue sounds something like: "they are right, I should (insert advice here) because it should make me feel better. This works for them so why doesn't work for me? I am so fucked up. They have it all figured out and I don't, I don't deserve to be on this planet, etc. etc."
The best of intentions, in reality, usually make me feel worse. I know there are things out there that make people feel better; however, we are all highly individual - well, individuals - with different backgrounds, experiences, beliefs, etc.
I completely understand where this need/desire to help other people comes from because I am guilty of offering advice too. I do this because having to 'meet the person where they are' is tricky business. It makes me feel bad and I want to help them, I want to fix them, I want them to feel better and most importantly, I know stuff. I consider myself to be wise in certain areas and I feel like I know what would benefit the person the most, instead of letting them feel what they are feeling, work through it themselves or quite simply, support them. I have suggestions to offer them that they may not know about or have thought about. (I did this for years with my parents concerning their diagnosis with Parkinson's and guess what? Much to my frustration - they didn't do one thing I suggested. Not one.)
It is hard to stand back and watch someone you care for be miserable, or scared, or uncomfortable, and upon reflection, I discovered the real reason I find it hard is because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Yup, you read me right - their distress makes me uncomfortable and because of my feelings... I want to fix them. If I were to offer some words of wisdom and they were to get better, feel better, then I would feel better. I wouldn't have to deal with MY feelings around their pain anymore - and don't kid yourselves because this is what it is really about - our feelings, not theirs, not really. Do you see where it gets tricky?
So what is the solution to this? What if we were to all 'meet each other where we were'? What if we were to let the person feel their feelings without trying to take them away? What then? Would chaos rule the world, and order as we know it, cease to exist? Or would our loved one, feel badly for awhile and work it out for themselves, with us firmly rooted in the ground beside them? What if they never figured it out for themselves? What would this mean? Would it mean we were a bad person for not intervening, or something else? What is this something else?
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