To my beloved....

Dear friend,

I can't believe I am about to write this, and there isn't any graceful way to put this, but I'm afraid our time together must come to an end. This is high on my list of 'hard things I have had to do' and I wish it could be some other way. Our relationship is so intertwined it is almost unfathomable how I will be able to go on without you; however, it is time.

It seems crazy to me, for a number of reasons, why our relationship has to end because you have always been there for me, regardless of my state of mood and mind.

We have shared much, you and I. When I have been in dark places where no one else could find me - you have been there. In times of great joy - you have been there. We have experienced peaceful moments together when my heart feels full and content. When patience is necessary you have helped me, and given me a distraction. When I am angry, nervous, anxious,  or scared - you are there. You have shared my heartache, my loneliness and my despair. When I can't sleep, can't think, can't function, you are there and you are there without asking anything of me. When I am with you I am able to stop all my 'doing' and just be.

You have been there for the most mundane tasks and help me carry them through until completion. You are my reward. We have traveled together, you and I. You have been with me in all my different jobs and through various stages of my education. We have seen many sights together and you have helped me to sit still and enjoy those sights by helping me be in my surroundings, instead of running off to the next 'thing'. You and I have shared many years of coffee, meals, wine and company with others. I'm hard pressed to think of something we haven't shared together - our relationship runs so deep!

With you I have been able to be myself - fully, completely and without any guilt or need to be otherwise. When my head is racing, you are there to bring me down, to help me breathe. You, who does not judge and knows me more intimately than any other friend, or lover, or therapist. We brave storms together, you and I, and regardless of how crazy others think we are - I know. Most importantly, you are there for me whenever I need you and I don't have to ask, or express my need which is so hard for me to do.

I am quite certain, no one else will be able to give me what you have given me, whenever I need it - except myself. I am scared. I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose you but in all the relief and sharing you offer, you may kill me. I've come to a point in my life where this is important - my life is important - and I would like the opportunity to go on living it. But first I have to sacrifice you... my dearest, most precious friend and confidante.

Most people do not understand our connection and only want to judge us for it. They think I am being overly dramatic and don't understand why our break up is so hard for me, but this is how I feel - these are my feelings. They don't understand our relationship, and I know I can't do anything about this, but it makes it that much harder to say goodbye to you - you who never judges me for my imperfections. You are a part of me, you are in me, and this is where the problem lies. I can feel you in me and because of this, I have come to a crossroad where I have to decide - you or me? There can be no us....

The loneliness of life without you is terrifying. How am I supposed to do this on my own? The grief at having to break off our relationship is real and very deep. This isn't because I don't love you because I do - how can I not? You are my everything. I am you and you are me, or at least that's the way it feels. The reality is that I don't want to be alone, and without you, I will be completely alone in all those moments that others can't share, that I can't share. What will become of me?

How do I do this without you?