The weekend before my birthday, I met with a few of my girlfriends and we got to talking about where our younger selves thought we would be at our current ages. I found it an interesting question because I had never really thought about my future in terms of school goals or career goals or anything along those lines; however, I did think, by the grand age of 35, I would be married with a house and a couple of kids. I can't say it was my goal or anything but it is definitely where I thought I would be. I was married, I was a homeowner but that's all over and done with now, and the kid thing? It never happened for us - Thank god!
My birthday was nice and reasonably mellow because my beau and I ventured out into the great outdoors for a couple nights of camping. It was gorgeous and I was grateful for the opportunity, due to the unseasonably warm weather - ummm, thanks global warming. There was only a couple other campers out, it being so early in the season and all, so we pretty much had the run of the campground. For anyone familiar with camping around the Southern Ontario region, this feeling of privacy in Nature is a nice treat because it's usually hard to come by.
Here she is! Isn't she a beauty?
Cooking was something I dreaded because I didn't want to do it - at all. I bought a whole bunch of processed, easily prepared food to make things easier and it was still too much! I was annoyed at having to deal with the food preparation, and the more annoyed I became, the less motivated I felt. We didn't eat one night because I couldn't be bothered to whip us up a bull-shit meal. Wow! Listen to the self-blame here. Interesting. Maybe I should go a little easier on myself, considering I wasn't the only 'adult' up there.
On my birthday, I convinced myself to go for a bike ride because I thought it would be really nice to sit at one of my favorite spots in the park, look at the water, and drink my coffee. My special spot is about 3 km away from where we camp, in a different section of the park, and I felt lazy for wanting to drive there when I should take my bike - so I rode my bike. Ha! Will I ever learn? The ride there was okay but on my way back I was really, really tired. I even contemplated phoning my beau to ask him to come pick me up in the car! But no, that would be lame on my part (regardless of how I was feeling) so I plugged along. I was tired, upset, my legs didn't seem to be working properly, I thought I was going to fall over AND I was cycling into a terrific wind. Misery of all misery...
Here's a photo of my favorite spot for some distraction!
These feelings of mine are very complicated. On a positive note, I did manage to open my birthday present earlier in the day - something I don't normally do. It's one of my 'things', but I thought I would try out something different and scary, it being my 35th birthday and all. There's something for me around trying to extend holidays/celebrations for as long as possible. The feeling is, if I open my presents too early there is nothing left and the day is over. The thought of something 'special' being over is not something I can easily part with - I want it to go on and on. I did this when my marriage was ending as well, I couldn't let it or my husband go and so I hung around draining myself for a good year before I stopped. Weird huh?! Talk about a wounded inner child.
I also convinced myself to go on Facebook to see if anyone noticed it was my birthday. (And believe me; a part of me was expecting it to go unnoticed.) Why is this a big deal you may be wondering? Well, for me the possible lack of recognition would be proof that I don't mean much, that I'm invisible, but this is a whole other highly insecure post.... I'll keep it in my pocket for awhile longer.
Oh and if you were wondering the answer is yes, we were camping with a computer and a Rogers Internet stick. I am officially citified!
No comments:
Post a Comment