What is happening?

I love this phrase.

I have heard it quite a bit over the last year and it's usually said by someone looking particularly bewildered about something. I have heard people say it in regards to the weather, the state of the world, relationships and at weird things that occur at parties when people start to get a little crazy.

This is how I'm feeling at the moment - a sense of bewilderment, unease and even awe. So, what is happening? Nothing feels right, I am out of sorts, and because of this I am questioning everything....

What is happening? Why is this happening? How did this happen? Was there a trigger? What was the trigger? If I had been paying attention would this have happened? Will I always yo-yo this way? Why am I so unsettled? Why can't I just stop? Why can't I really learn anything? I know how to do this - so why am I not? Why do I have to be so stubborn? Am I too demanding of others? Why don't I just suck it up and work a full-time job? How am I going to make ends meet? Will I ever really be loved, for who I am, without any strings attached? Do people even like me? Do I even like me? Where has my life gone? What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to survive? How is a person supposed to do this on their own? Will this deep hurt ever go away? Will they ever do anything they say they are going to do? Why do people lie? How am I expected to trust? Will I ever have the answers? Are there any answers to be found? What's the point exactly? What the fuck is going on?

This is usually followed by: I haven't learned anything in the last year even though I have dedicated myself to this process, I am such an idiot, why do I have to act so stupid around this stuff, I am too much for people to deal with, I hate my stupid feelings, etc. etc.

pretty self-explanatory....

*pause*

And now the voice of my therapist in my head, (not entirely unlike the voice I used to hear in my head of a former ballet teacher of mine every time I took class), and I paraphrase - "the tricky thing with depression is when you start to outwardly search for answers or solutions. Doing this starts a cycle of self-criticism, self-blame and self-judgment, which only adds to your already negative feelings, and spirals your mood down even more. Instead, try being still, compassionate and loving to yourself, and go inward. You don't have to go anywhere, change, or do anything, the answer is within you."

For something that sounds really lovely and easy it sure is a lot of hard and complicated work.... Grrr.