One obvious example of this is how I constantly question 'normal' (although not necessarily healthy) states of being on a regular basis. Is my mood/feeling something a 'normal', non-depressed person would experience, or is this another case of denial on my part, regarding the big D - Depression? I suffer from Depression, I am not like 'normal' people, whatever any of this even means.
Here is my current situation. I have been doing quite well. A hell of a lot better than I was doing 6 months ago, when leaving my house was next to impossible. Now that I think about it, I have been doing great! I'm out in the world, riding my bike everywhere, working a couple times a week, taking care of animals, planning surprise parties, and helping out friends. I am now fully capable of doing more than one thing in a day too, which is an accomplishment and major victory! But (and there always seems to be a but) amidst all this goodness, is an undeniable undercurrent of fear - the fear of returning to my dark place. In this place, nothing makes sense, everything is confusing, everything feels hard, and not living seems like an easy (and often the best) option. Just to clarify here, I have never wanted to kill myself, I have just really struggled with the feeling of not wanting to be alive.
So where are my ramblings leading?
I have been noticing a lingering feeling of exhaustion, which for those that don't know, is one of the symptoms of depression. I am exhausted. I am tired all the time and no amount of coffee seems to be helping me out. I am tired in the morning, afternoon and evening and this is where things get complicated for me. I am exhausted and because of this feeling, I am questioning the state of my mental health. Am I genuinely tired, or is this Depression? Does this 'symptom' mean I am getting depressed again? But wait! I am already depressed, just not 'that' depressed. Have I mentioned that I find this confusing? This is about as clear as I can get at the moment - I am a highly functioning depressed woman, scared of my exhaustion and "oh god, is this the start of another round of this?"
As a result of my fear surrounding my exhaustion, I have noticed myself digging in my heels a little bit, or more truthfully, a whole lot. The feeling is, if I try really hard to not feel exhausted, then I won't get all dark and dysfunctional; however, from my past experiences and reminders from my therapist, I know, this is just fueling my cycle even more.
So here I sit, or more honestly, squirm. I am exhausted and therefore scared because it may very well lead me back to the big D - Depression. I am very clear in that I don't want to go back to that paralyzing form of Depression again, so I do what has always come naturally to me - I fight it. I fight it instead of allowing it to be what it is and guess what? It's exhausting. And on top of it I'm getting dizzy from the cycle of it all - spinning and spinning and spinning.
So what are my options? Dig my heels in and fight? Or, sit in the feeling of the exhaustion and stop 'doing' anything? What then? What will happen? So many question and no easy answers....
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