Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Another year...
So another year has come and gone and here I am.
For me, 2010 felt very fast moving and I feel as though I have quickly moved myself through a multitude of hard experiences (some exceedingly more painful than others), while at the same time reintegrating myself into life. *Insert personal pat on the back here*
All and all, I think 2010 was a pretty good year. I survived, with grace, my continuing battle with depression, my never-ending family drama regarding my parent's health and my sister's mental health, a painful breakup, a painful loss quickly followed by another breakup, and what feels like hundreds of other experiences that furthered me along on this journey of mine.
In 2010, I came face to face with the ugly, cold and rigid face of 'control' and the behaviors it breeds. Seeing a reflection of myself, by witnessing it in another, enabled me to begin to surrender and let go of this survival tactic. This was a gift that emerged out of a negative, life-altering experience/relationship, and for this I am grateful. As a result, I find myself more able to be present, loving and spontaneous - which is all good stuff!
From this same person, I learned a hard lesson regarding my personal insensitivity around my vulnerability. I jumped headfirst into 'a relationship' and ignored the warning bells going off in my head the entire way down the rabbit hole. I am not coming down on myself here, merely observing that my vulnerability, combined with an old desire of mine to be safe, or saved, by another - (most simply put) impaired my judgment. This awareness has helped remind me what a powerful tool my intuition is.
I have realized when it comes to matters of the heart - I am a fool - but I'm not sure I would want it any other way.
I have realized that I deserve to hold myself gently, without judgment, in the areas of my life that I struggle with.
I have realized that I deserve to love and be loved without having to sacrifice myself in the process.
I have realized that the labels, I, and others, have put on me are simply labels, not necessarily the real me.
I have realized that rumination is a dangerous place for me, and leads to dips in my mood.
I have realized that putting on my super-hero costume, actually inhibits the people I intend to 'help'.
I have realized that my desire for organization and control is really a mask for deeper emotions I am trying to keep buried.
I have realized how letting go grants me space to be still and whole.
I have realized that being alone doesn't mean sudden death.
I have realized that my grief is not something to fear, but instead something I can release.
I have realized that negative interactions I may have with people have nothing to do with me, a pattern is a pattern is a pattern, and it isn't my responsibility to clean it up!
2010, I let you go and thank you for taking me where I needed to go, and for allowing me the opportunity to come back into myself: To survive, to grow, to blossom and to let go. With an open heart - I let you go.
2011, I greet you with open arms, a compassionate heart and no agenda. I greet you with joy, melancholy, relief and hope. I greet you with everything that is me and everything I am about to become...
For me, 2010 felt very fast moving and I feel as though I have quickly moved myself through a multitude of hard experiences (some exceedingly more painful than others), while at the same time reintegrating myself into life. *Insert personal pat on the back here*
All and all, I think 2010 was a pretty good year. I survived, with grace, my continuing battle with depression, my never-ending family drama regarding my parent's health and my sister's mental health, a painful breakup, a painful loss quickly followed by another breakup, and what feels like hundreds of other experiences that furthered me along on this journey of mine.
In 2010, I came face to face with the ugly, cold and rigid face of 'control' and the behaviors it breeds. Seeing a reflection of myself, by witnessing it in another, enabled me to begin to surrender and let go of this survival tactic. This was a gift that emerged out of a negative, life-altering experience/relationship, and for this I am grateful. As a result, I find myself more able to be present, loving and spontaneous - which is all good stuff!
From this same person, I learned a hard lesson regarding my personal insensitivity around my vulnerability. I jumped headfirst into 'a relationship' and ignored the warning bells going off in my head the entire way down the rabbit hole. I am not coming down on myself here, merely observing that my vulnerability, combined with an old desire of mine to be safe, or saved, by another - (most simply put) impaired my judgment. This awareness has helped remind me what a powerful tool my intuition is.
I have realized when it comes to matters of the heart - I am a fool - but I'm not sure I would want it any other way.
I have realized that I deserve to hold myself gently, without judgment, in the areas of my life that I struggle with.
I have realized that I deserve to love and be loved without having to sacrifice myself in the process.
I have realized that the labels, I, and others, have put on me are simply labels, not necessarily the real me.
I have realized that rumination is a dangerous place for me, and leads to dips in my mood.
I have realized that putting on my super-hero costume, actually inhibits the people I intend to 'help'.
I have realized that my desire for organization and control is really a mask for deeper emotions I am trying to keep buried.
I have realized how letting go grants me space to be still and whole.
I have realized that being alone doesn't mean sudden death.
I have realized that my grief is not something to fear, but instead something I can release.
I have realized that negative interactions I may have with people have nothing to do with me, a pattern is a pattern is a pattern, and it isn't my responsibility to clean it up!
2010, I let you go and thank you for taking me where I needed to go, and for allowing me the opportunity to come back into myself: To survive, to grow, to blossom and to let go. With an open heart - I let you go.
2011, I greet you with open arms, a compassionate heart and no agenda. I greet you with joy, melancholy, relief and hope. I greet you with everything that is me and everything I am about to become...
I survive. I grow. I blossom. I let go.
(Bansky - "There is always hope")
Thursday, January 13, 2011
A quote:
I'm reading a great book right now called Welcome to my Country, by Lauren Slater.
As I am having problems posting anything these days, I thought I would quote something from this book that resonates with me:
As I am having problems posting anything these days, I thought I would quote something from this book that resonates with me:
"Imagine to love over and over again, and then to lose the love. Imagine fighting your way through days, sudden spurts of light, and then drought. Depression is a death within, a knowledge--terrifying--that you cannot resurrect yourself. Depression is loss of the vision that lets leaves breathe and fall, that lets the air smell of seed and soil. And there must be rage, yes I think there is rage toward such a severing, such a ragged deep rupture with the world."
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