Letting go...

Last night, while laying on my couch trying desperately to be distracted by my television set, it hit me. It was like watching a horrific catastrophe that I was somehow the sideline observer of, and the victim in.

Up until this particular moment, I had been so disconnected from the pain of it, that it took me a few minutes to clue into the fact that 1. Something was happening, and 2. It was happening to me. It was almost as if it was coming from my television. It started as a low moaning/ whimpering sound and as I sat wondering where the hell the noise was coming from, and what on earth it was, it grew steadily louder. That's when I looked down and saw my whole body shaking, or more like spasming.

It went like this:

"Oh, are those my arms, hands, legs? Why are they shaking like that? Why can't I feel them?"

And then,

"Oh, this is me. This noise is coming from inside me, how strange."

And then the 3 separate parts: the noise, the shaking, and me, collided and merged into a giant, messy heap. It went on and on and on and on and on, and for the first time in 3 weeks, I felt like I was present in my body. It hurt, it was exhausting, and it was welcomed. I knew it was in there somewhere, I just didn't know where, and frankly, up until this point, didn't want to know.

This is a shining example of what occurs when one denies themselves the existence of their unwanted emotions (usually done in order to protect oneself from feelings such as fear, abandonment, grief, anger, loneliness and a slew of other emotions). This is a pattern most of us fall victim too.We carry these unwanted situations and feelings around inside our bodies - in our muscles, organs, and mind and they disrupt our lives, directly and indirectly. It's something I have constantly experienced in my practice, and now know to be a form of self-preservation or survival.

Denial. Denial. Denial!

So there I was in my pre-hokey pokey state, naively believing I was okay, when in fact I was in a place where I had pushed my emotions in and down until I couldn't feel them. I didn't want to feel them, and as a result I developed the 'phantom body zombie syndrome'. My body was numb. My mind was numb. Most of my emotions were swirling layers of numbness... I was numb. We are like little squirrels really - running around collecting and storing things for a later time. This was my later time.

This is the kind of squirrel I desire to be.

The blessing: I knew this was a very good thing; I wasn't scared, I allowed it to happen.

The curse: it hurt that this was something I was experiencing alone.

The lesson: emotions do not stay buried. They have ways of coming up - some healthy, other not. For example, my shaking and crying was a very healthy way for me to discharge my experience, and therefore, let my healing process begin. Examples of my unhealthy reactions to my buried emotions were: insomnia, headaches, anxiety attacks, lack of motivation, and a change in my eating. 

To the two:

I let you go because you are a narcissistic asshole who is unworthy of me. I will not look back.

I let the you go because it was the right thing for me to do, but I will carry you with me always.

I let you go - both of you, in different ways.

I let go.