To my beloved....

Dear friend,

I can't believe I am about to write this, and there isn't any graceful way to put this, but I'm afraid our time together must come to an end. This is high on my list of 'hard things I have had to do' and I wish it could be some other way. Our relationship is so intertwined it is almost unfathomable how I will be able to go on without you; however, it is time.

It seems crazy to me, for a number of reasons, why our relationship has to end because you have always been there for me, regardless of my state of mood and mind.

We have shared much, you and I. When I have been in dark places where no one else could find me - you have been there. In times of great joy - you have been there. We have experienced peaceful moments together when my heart feels full and content. When patience is necessary you have helped me, and given me a distraction. When I am angry, nervous, anxious,  or scared - you are there. You have shared my heartache, my loneliness and my despair. When I can't sleep, can't think, can't function, you are there and you are there without asking anything of me. When I am with you I am able to stop all my 'doing' and just be.

You have been there for the most mundane tasks and help me carry them through until completion. You are my reward. We have traveled together, you and I. You have been with me in all my different jobs and through various stages of my education. We have seen many sights together and you have helped me to sit still and enjoy those sights by helping me be in my surroundings, instead of running off to the next 'thing'. You and I have shared many years of coffee, meals, wine and company with others. I'm hard pressed to think of something we haven't shared together - our relationship runs so deep!

With you I have been able to be myself - fully, completely and without any guilt or need to be otherwise. When my head is racing, you are there to bring me down, to help me breathe. You, who does not judge and knows me more intimately than any other friend, or lover, or therapist. We brave storms together, you and I, and regardless of how crazy others think we are - I know. Most importantly, you are there for me whenever I need you and I don't have to ask, or express my need which is so hard for me to do.

I am quite certain, no one else will be able to give me what you have given me, whenever I need it - except myself. I am scared. I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose you but in all the relief and sharing you offer, you may kill me. I've come to a point in my life where this is important - my life is important - and I would like the opportunity to go on living it. But first I have to sacrifice you... my dearest, most precious friend and confidante.

Most people do not understand our connection and only want to judge us for it. They think I am being overly dramatic and don't understand why our break up is so hard for me, but this is how I feel - these are my feelings. They don't understand our relationship, and I know I can't do anything about this, but it makes it that much harder to say goodbye to you - you who never judges me for my imperfections. You are a part of me, you are in me, and this is where the problem lies. I can feel you in me and because of this, I have come to a crossroad where I have to decide - you or me? There can be no us....

The loneliness of life without you is terrifying. How am I supposed to do this on my own? The grief at having to break off our relationship is real and very deep. This isn't because I don't love you because I do - how can I not? You are my everything. I am you and you are me, or at least that's the way it feels. The reality is that I don't want to be alone, and without you, I will be completely alone in all those moments that others can't share, that I can't share. What will become of me?

How do I do this without you?

What is happening?

I love this phrase.

I have heard it quite a bit over the last year and it's usually said by someone looking particularly bewildered about something. I have heard people say it in regards to the weather, the state of the world, relationships and at weird things that occur at parties when people start to get a little crazy.

This is how I'm feeling at the moment - a sense of bewilderment, unease and even awe. So, what is happening? Nothing feels right, I am out of sorts, and because of this I am questioning everything....

What is happening? Why is this happening? How did this happen? Was there a trigger? What was the trigger? If I had been paying attention would this have happened? Will I always yo-yo this way? Why am I so unsettled? Why can't I just stop? Why can't I really learn anything? I know how to do this - so why am I not? Why do I have to be so stubborn? Am I too demanding of others? Why don't I just suck it up and work a full-time job? How am I going to make ends meet? Will I ever really be loved, for who I am, without any strings attached? Do people even like me? Do I even like me? Where has my life gone? What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to survive? How is a person supposed to do this on their own? Will this deep hurt ever go away? Will they ever do anything they say they are going to do? Why do people lie? How am I expected to trust? Will I ever have the answers? Are there any answers to be found? What's the point exactly? What the fuck is going on?

This is usually followed by: I haven't learned anything in the last year even though I have dedicated myself to this process, I am such an idiot, why do I have to act so stupid around this stuff, I am too much for people to deal with, I hate my stupid feelings, etc. etc.

pretty self-explanatory....

*pause*

And now the voice of my therapist in my head, (not entirely unlike the voice I used to hear in my head of a former ballet teacher of mine every time I took class), and I paraphrase - "the tricky thing with depression is when you start to outwardly search for answers or solutions. Doing this starts a cycle of self-criticism, self-blame and self-judgment, which only adds to your already negative feelings, and spirals your mood down even more. Instead, try being still, compassionate and loving to yourself, and go inward. You don't have to go anywhere, change, or do anything, the answer is within you."

For something that sounds really lovely and easy it sure is a lot of hard and complicated work.... Grrr.

Ahhh, the cycle of it all...

Here, in this moment, or actually several weeks of moments strung together like a dollar store 'pearl' necklace, I find myself struggling. This is contrary to my previous post where everything was feeling sparkly and bright. It's amazing how quickly things change - I find it disconcerting....

This moment doesn't feel so great. Everything feels like work again, my energy is low, I want to hide and I can't get anything done. It isn't as bad as it was last time, or the time before that, which is a blessing, but it's still hard. Writing this post is frustrating me because I feel like I can't be clear - and for me - lack of clarity equals some form of disaster, where things usually fall apart and hurt is sure to follow.

Maybe I should just write a 'where I'm at' list:

- Something new isn't as new anymore and I feel as though something has been taken away from me, and I miss it.
- I feel overwhelmed with work and on days when I have to go in, I find myself trying to make up acceptable reasons to stay home.
- I have a 'to do' list that isn't getting any smaller (which is bring up feeling of worthlessness).
- My body hurts all day.
- I am having problems sleeping.
- I am grinding my teeth.
- I am sick of where I am.
- I feel like shit for not working more, even though I don't think I'm capable at the moment, but I need money.
- My eating has changed and I find myself binging more often.
- My pharmacy changed the generic brand of my anti-depressant and it's not the same.
- My therapist has been on vacation and my appointments haven't been as regular. (Which has made me realize how important our work together is because she helps keep me on my path through her questions, thoughts, comments.)
- I become angry very quickly.
- I cry very easily.
- I want to connect with people but can't figure out how.
- Everything feels out of control.
- I am restless and know I should 'sit in it' but feel like I need more support in order to do so.

To sum it all up.... I feel like shit.

The End