Something random...

Prothalamium

Come, all you who are not satisfied

as ruler in a lone, wallpapered room

full of mute birds, and flowers that falsely bloom,

and closets choked with dreams that long ago died!

Come, let us sweep the old streets-- like a bride:

sweep out dead leaves with a relentless broom;

prepare for Spring, as though he were our groom

for whose light footstep eagerly we bide.

We'll sweep out shadows, where the rats long fed;

sweep out our shame-- and in its place we'll make 

a bower for love, a splendid marriage bed

fragrant with flowers aquiver for the Spring.

And when he comes, our murdered dreams shall wake;

and when he comes, all the mute birds shall sing.

-- Aaron Kramer

Is two better than one?

For me, there is something terrifying about loneliness, about being alone, or more honestly, about being without a companion. Even trying to write this post, is complicated for me. It feels as though I am lost in a thick fog, blindly trying to grasp the words or feelings I am looking for.

Maybe I'll try approach this in a different way, from the perspective of 'why' I like being with someone. I like the feeling that someone has my back. I like the feeling of being able to be fully vulnerable with another person. I like the feeling of curling up in someone's arms. I like the feeling of safety and security. I like the feeling that, if shit is going down in my life, someone is there to see and feel me. I like the feeling of getting close and forming a bond with someone. I like the feeling of physical and emotional intimacy. I enjoy the feeling of sharing - shopping trips, bike rides, meals, etc. I like the feeling that if I fuck up, I won't be alone in it. (Zing - how's that for self-criticism - ouch!) Maybe the deeply wounded part of me, sees having a partner as an acknowledgment of my existence, proof that I really am here, that I'm not invisible, that I belong. Do I sound confused? I hope so because I am.

Lately, whenever I have had to check something off my list of 'adult experiences' (and believe me they have been many), one of the first people I want to turn to, is my ex-husband. This is a very interesting phenomenon for me. Why him, after so much time (and many experiences) have past? I want to phone him to tell him how awful things are, just so I can feel like everything is going to be okay, even if it's for a couple minutes. I want to curl up in bed or on the couch and have him hold me. Talk about romanticizing; however, in his defence there was a time when I felt I had that with him, which is probably why my mind goes there.

Is two really better than one?

These feelings of mine are potentially dangerous for my mental health because my experience has shown me otherwise. I often find myself in a position where I run straight into the waiting arms of the possibility that my feelings will be made real somehow. Yet, the reality is - I haven't met a partner who is available to navigate through my life with me. Is it because I'm too much? My depression is too much? I don't think so. I think it's more a matter of people and their limitations (and I write this with love, not contempt) because this is the reality. We are all limited, each and everyone of us, in different ways and in different degrees. Have I mentioned how confusing I find this?

I know several people that are perfectly content living their lives alone. They seem to have some kind of system in place where, as they begin to feel lonely, they enter into a quick-fix-lonely-buster relationship. A weekend here, dates there, a couple lovely nights, maybe even a few months of life devoid of loneliness and they are good. They move on, live their lives alone again, until the loneliness becomes too much and they repeat the cycle. I am not that person. I want more.

I am extremely fortunate in that I get truckloads of support from my therapist and all the wonderful women in my life; however, it isn't the same. Why is this? Why can't it be enough? Is this a societal thing that I'm up against? Are the feelings of being incomplete without a partner (at my age) something I have been unknowingly fed and unknowingly eaten? I know I am loved, by a number of people, so why do I feel so damn lonely? Why does this feel so hard?

Maybe I should watch this video everyday to help erase 

some of my confusion around this subject....

(It's pretty great huh!?)

A woman in my writing group shared an interesting thought last week. Is it better so share a bed with someone just for the sake of sharing a bed? Is it better to pretend we aren't alone and to instead turn a blind eye to the reality of our partnership, just to stop the feelings of loneliness? Will the loneliness really stop when one enters into a relationship with another? There aren't any straightforward answers to these questions. For me, it's a case of 'my head knows the answers but my heart is yelling something different'.

*le sigh*

How Bikkers and Starbucks saved my life....

I've been doing some thinking lately about this journey I am on, with my not-so-good acquaintance, Depression. I have dedicated the last 2 years of my life to the process of understanding/accepting it and think I am doing a fine job. There is still a part of me that yearns for other people's acceptance, understanding and support; however, I think this is something I'm going to have to let go of.

I often find it helps me to peer into the past, if only to use as a tool, a gauge, of where I was, and where I am now. I do this to validate all my efforts and victories, and to make me aware that it really has been the journey of my lifetime - at least so far. I do this because when I rub up against people that think I am doing nothing with my life and should be doing more, I can silence them in my brain. I can silence their distress around my mental health, and see it for what it is - my mental health, (big huge space) and their distress and confusion. I am not something that needs to,or can be, fixed. I am not broken. I am a fine, loving, compassionate, understanding, and intelligent human being, and although my 'accomplishments' may seem limited by a large portion of society - I know otherwise.

I chose to do this. I choose to do this work. This IS my work, and I do it because a hidden part of me knows that I deserve to be whole and certainly more aware.

About 2.5 years ago, Starbucks saved my life. I knew, I knew that if I could just get out of bed and walk to Starbucks to get a coffee, I would be okay. It took everything in me, to accomplish this morning ritual/task but I knew it was really important. And it was. Every morning I struggled out of bed and into clothes to get to Starbucks and that was all I had to fill my day. The importance of the ritual was larger than I even realized at the time. Things got scary when I found myself standing on the sidewalk of Lakeshore and Leslie during morning rush hour, wondering what it would feel like, wondering what would happen, if I just took a giant step off the curb into the speeding traffic, just so I could feel something... anything, other than what I was feeling.

I would stay up all night with the television on and a candle burning because I was too scared to sleep. It hurt to sleep in a bed by myself - everything about this act was wrong - so I would force myself to stay awake.

I couldn't leave my house without being terrified of everything - noises, people, smells, etc. I would get dizzy, nauseous. I struggled with buying food because it was too overwhelming a task, having to decide and then having to cook? Forget about it. I spent countless days, flat out on my apartment floor, crying my eyes, heart, and soul out, unable to get up or even stop. I couldn't work. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't understand words. I wanted to die. There was nothing to live for, there was just the excruciating pain, the terrible self-judgment and the loneliness.

And then there was her. The woman who was able to come to me whenever I needed anything, to just sit with me. I am eternally grateful for all that you are. I love you Bikkers. You were a beam of light and warmth when everything else was dark and cold. You made me feel deserving of your friendship. You made me feel like I was enough, I was good enough, just the way I was, regardless of how things appeared.

The Bikkers and 'The Bucks'. What a team....

Hi there....

Depression is usually accompanied by feelings of helplessness (for all of the people involved, directly or indirectly). I have been asked, on several occasions, what my loved ones 'can do', to help me. I never know what to say, usually because I'm in the middle of a struggle, which means, clarity and I aren't the best of friends. What I do know, is that having to hold another persons discomfort around my depression, while I am feeling depressed, is too much! I know I am a super human, I'm just not super-human... Ha! Just sayin'.

All I ever need - perhaps all a Depressed person ever needs - while battling through a hard time, is some form of validation of my/their feelings. (I can only speak for myself though, this may not work for everyone....) I'm certainly not trying to put words in your mouth, but for the people that have asked in the past, these are some things that I know I want/need to hear.

"I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I am sorry this feels so difficult for you. I am sorry this is so hard, but I am here for you. I hear you, I may not understand, but you are not alone."

"This isn't easy. I see you trying, so hard, to stay afloat."

"I will not judge you for this because I care about you. This scares me, but it probably doesn't come close to how scared you are."

"You can do this. I see how hard you are working. I wish I could make it all go away - but I can't. Instead, I will stay by your side, support you, hold you, love you, so you know...."

"I am here. I will continue to be here, without judgment, because you are important to me."

"I am here."

Depression hurts - the harsh reality....

Yes ladies and gentleman, the Ontario television cliche is true - depression hurts.

It hurts the people suffering from the illness (mentally, physically, and emotionally), it hurts the family members, partners, and friends who know people suffering from depression, it hurts the loved ones of friends suffering from depression, it hurts the employers of people suffering from depression (if they are ballsy enough to hire someone with depression), it hurts society on the whole, and I'm talking the world here.

Who the hell has time for this illness, when it cuts down on social time, productivity, and basic daily functioning. We live in a fast paced world, there isn't time for shit like this.... There's too much to DO DO DO!

One (non-depressed person) may think - suck it up, get on with it already. And to this I say, unless you've been through it, you don't know, so keep your misguided advice to yourself. This is a chemical thing people - so a little support, compassion and kindness would be appreciated, thank you very much. I know, I know.... easier said than done.

Are you  uncomfortable with someone's depression? Let me reassure you, your feelings of unease don't hold a candle to what a 'Depressed' person is feeling. Not even close. You can't imagine how bad it is until you experience it. I've been on that side of the fence before, but now I'm on this one - and let me tell you - it blows!

I get it. It's hard, it's confusing and it doesn't make 'sense'. But try, really try, to put yourself in the position of a Depressed person. Try to think about what it would feel like to have your basic daily functioning taken from you, and not by your own choice! Think about how fucking scared you would be. Think about the isolation, the confusion, the regret, the self-judgment, the self-loathing, the complete lack of self-worth.... Hell, think about basic survival! Do you hate yourself yet? Because if you don't - you don't understand.

How is a 'Depressed' person supposed to survive in this day and age?

Try - try really hard to feel with your heart. Don't feel sorry for the 'Depressed' person (that just adds to all the shit of it all). Try to imagine your life without all your basic functioning. How do you feel? Pretty shitty? Now multiply that by 1000. That's what it feels like to be Depressed - that's how awful it feels.

Now I'm going to take it a step further. Add the stereotype of a person needing 'drugs'.... Feeling better yet? Getting any good advice from people, with your best interests in mind, that only make you feel worse? Anyone telling you that you are a victim of the pharmaceutical industry? That you are part of the 'problem'?

What about now, are you feeling any better?

Welcome to the world of Depression. It ain't pretty but it's real, and it's happening to 121 million people world wide (and that was in 2007). According to the WHO, the 2020 projection for depression is expected  to reach 2nd place in the ranking of DALYs calculated for all ages, both sexes. (DALYs = Disability Adjusted Life Years. The sum of years of potential life lost due to premature mortality and the years of productive life lost due to disability.) Scared yet? I know I am.

This is an epidemic people. It's real and it isn't going anywhere.... It's messy, it's hurtful, it's frustrating, and it's confusing. It's a cancer and it's spreading. No condom is going to stop this puppy from attaching to your friends, your family, your loved ones, and your co-workers. It's real and it kills (and oh the shock of it all when it does). What? How did that happen? Can you believe it?

Am I pissed? Yes I am, because I am one of the unfortunate souls that has been plagued with this particular illness.... I'm working really hard to understand it, to be present with it, to be mindful around it, and it continually kicks my ass. Fuck depression and fuck the world for not having a place for me to be what I am.... which is a person suffering from Depression. Am I angry? Hells ya I am!!!!!

*end of rant*

*delayed exhale*

I'm grateful... really...

I am sick and grumpy. I want a car so I can drive to pick up sick supplies for myself like Sucrets, Buckley's and bottled soup. Hell, I want to be able to afford a car (for many reasons). I hate thinking that I am being looked down on for not having a financially sound 'career'. I'm doing the best I can - why does it have to be judged? Who are we to judge others? I know, I know.... I'm not perfect in this place either, but I'm working on it!

I hate the feeling of being alone in this sick place. I hate the feeling that no one is here to take care of me. I wish they could have taken better care back then, maybe if they had, this wouldn't feel so damn isolating. Chalk it up on my 'feeling disappointed' list. So - here I go - instead of whining and playing the victim card, I'm going to attempt gratitude....

I am grateful for:

- my apartment
- my therapist
- warm summer weather
- my ability to love, regardless of my fears
- my dog
- my pharmacy with it's amazing assortment of natural products/supplements
- my television (Like I said, I'm sick, and don't know what I would have done without it)
- the internet and my computer
- a couple of dear friends who deal with their own fears and accept me for who I am, regardless of how I am  doing.
- my desire to grow into who I really am, regardless of who 'other people' want me to be
- my success and progress in exploring the concept of compassion, for myself and others
- how hard this process is and my ability to stay true to it
- my thermos bottle that keeps my water icy cold for hours and hours!
- food and grocery stores. Have you ever really looked at the produce section in your grocery store? Try it! It's pretty mind blowing.
- the support network I have created for myself
- my ability to be able to call myself on 'my shit' and realize that I'm not perfect
- my ability to heal/help others, sense the invisible, and trust my knowing in this place. (I'm not talking shiatsu)
- the universe reminding me of this yesterday and leading me to that place
- my beau who ditched yoga to bring me soup and medicine!
- my extended family
- gardening and flowers

I love cone-flowers!

and on that note....

To my beloved....

Dear friend,

I can't believe I am about to write this, and there isn't any graceful way to put this, but I'm afraid our time together must come to an end. This is high on my list of 'hard things I have had to do' and I wish it could be some other way. Our relationship is so intertwined it is almost unfathomable how I will be able to go on without you; however, it is time.

It seems crazy to me, for a number of reasons, why our relationship has to end because you have always been there for me, regardless of my state of mood and mind.

We have shared much, you and I. When I have been in dark places where no one else could find me - you have been there. In times of great joy - you have been there. We have experienced peaceful moments together when my heart feels full and content. When patience is necessary you have helped me, and given me a distraction. When I am angry, nervous, anxious,  or scared - you are there. You have shared my heartache, my loneliness and my despair. When I can't sleep, can't think, can't function, you are there and you are there without asking anything of me. When I am with you I am able to stop all my 'doing' and just be.

You have been there for the most mundane tasks and help me carry them through until completion. You are my reward. We have traveled together, you and I. You have been with me in all my different jobs and through various stages of my education. We have seen many sights together and you have helped me to sit still and enjoy those sights by helping me be in my surroundings, instead of running off to the next 'thing'. You and I have shared many years of coffee, meals, wine and company with others. I'm hard pressed to think of something we haven't shared together - our relationship runs so deep!

With you I have been able to be myself - fully, completely and without any guilt or need to be otherwise. When my head is racing, you are there to bring me down, to help me breathe. You, who does not judge and knows me more intimately than any other friend, or lover, or therapist. We brave storms together, you and I, and regardless of how crazy others think we are - I know. Most importantly, you are there for me whenever I need you and I don't have to ask, or express my need which is so hard for me to do.

I am quite certain, no one else will be able to give me what you have given me, whenever I need it - except myself. I am scared. I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose you but in all the relief and sharing you offer, you may kill me. I've come to a point in my life where this is important - my life is important - and I would like the opportunity to go on living it. But first I have to sacrifice you... my dearest, most precious friend and confidante.

Most people do not understand our connection and only want to judge us for it. They think I am being overly dramatic and don't understand why our break up is so hard for me, but this is how I feel - these are my feelings. They don't understand our relationship, and I know I can't do anything about this, but it makes it that much harder to say goodbye to you - you who never judges me for my imperfections. You are a part of me, you are in me, and this is where the problem lies. I can feel you in me and because of this, I have come to a crossroad where I have to decide - you or me? There can be no us....

The loneliness of life without you is terrifying. How am I supposed to do this on my own? The grief at having to break off our relationship is real and very deep. This isn't because I don't love you because I do - how can I not? You are my everything. I am you and you are me, or at least that's the way it feels. The reality is that I don't want to be alone, and without you, I will be completely alone in all those moments that others can't share, that I can't share. What will become of me?

How do I do this without you?