For me, 2010 felt very fast moving and I feel as though I have quickly moved myself through a multitude of hard experiences (some exceedingly more painful than others), while at the same time reintegrating myself into life. *Insert personal pat on the back here*
All and all, I think 2010 was a pretty good year. I survived, with grace, my continuing battle with depression, my never-ending family drama regarding my parent's health and my sister's mental health, a painful breakup, a painful loss quickly followed by another breakup, and what feels like hundreds of other experiences that furthered me along on this journey of mine.
In 2010, I came face to face with the ugly, cold and rigid face of 'control' and the behaviors it breeds. Seeing a reflection of myself, by witnessing it in another, enabled me to begin to surrender and let go of this survival tactic. This was a gift that emerged out of a negative, life-altering experience/relationship, and for this I am grateful. As a result, I find myself more able to be present, loving and spontaneous - which is all good stuff!
From this same person, I learned a hard lesson regarding my personal insensitivity around my vulnerability. I jumped headfirst into 'a relationship' and ignored the warning bells going off in my head the entire way down the rabbit hole. I am not coming down on myself here, merely observing that my vulnerability, combined with an old desire of mine to be safe, or saved, by another - (most simply put) impaired my judgment. This awareness has helped remind me what a powerful tool my intuition is.
I have realized when it comes to matters of the heart - I am a fool - but I'm not sure I would want it any other way.
I have realized that I deserve to hold myself gently, without judgment, in the areas of my life that I struggle with.
I have realized that I deserve to love and be loved without having to sacrifice myself in the process.
I have realized that the labels, I, and others, have put on me are simply labels, not necessarily the real me.
I have realized that rumination is a dangerous place for me, and leads to dips in my mood.
I have realized that putting on my super-hero costume, actually inhibits the people I intend to 'help'.
I have realized that my desire for organization and control is really a mask for deeper emotions I am trying to keep buried.
I have realized how letting go grants me space to be still and whole.
I have realized that being alone doesn't mean sudden death.
I have realized that my grief is not something to fear, but instead something I can release.
I have realized that negative interactions I may have with people have nothing to do with me, a pattern is a pattern is a pattern, and it isn't my responsibility to clean it up!
2010, I let you go and thank you for taking me where I needed to go, and for allowing me the opportunity to come back into myself: To survive, to grow, to blossom and to let go. With an open heart - I let you go.
2011, I greet you with open arms, a compassionate heart and no agenda. I greet you with joy, melancholy, relief and hope. I greet you with everything that is me and everything I am about to become...
I survive. I grow. I blossom. I let go.
(Bansky - "There is always hope")
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