To my beloved....

Dear friend,

I can't believe I am about to write this, and there isn't any graceful way to put this, but I'm afraid our time together must come to an end. This is high on my list of 'hard things I have had to do' and I wish it could be some other way. Our relationship is so intertwined it is almost unfathomable how I will be able to go on without you; however, it is time.

It seems crazy to me, for a number of reasons, why our relationship has to end because you have always been there for me, regardless of my state of mood and mind.

We have shared much, you and I. When I have been in dark places where no one else could find me - you have been there. In times of great joy - you have been there. We have experienced peaceful moments together when my heart feels full and content. When patience is necessary you have helped me, and given me a distraction. When I am angry, nervous, anxious,  or scared - you are there. You have shared my heartache, my loneliness and my despair. When I can't sleep, can't think, can't function, you are there and you are there without asking anything of me. When I am with you I am able to stop all my 'doing' and just be.

You have been there for the most mundane tasks and help me carry them through until completion. You are my reward. We have traveled together, you and I. You have been with me in all my different jobs and through various stages of my education. We have seen many sights together and you have helped me to sit still and enjoy those sights by helping me be in my surroundings, instead of running off to the next 'thing'. You and I have shared many years of coffee, meals, wine and company with others. I'm hard pressed to think of something we haven't shared together - our relationship runs so deep!

With you I have been able to be myself - fully, completely and without any guilt or need to be otherwise. When my head is racing, you are there to bring me down, to help me breathe. You, who does not judge and knows me more intimately than any other friend, or lover, or therapist. We brave storms together, you and I, and regardless of how crazy others think we are - I know. Most importantly, you are there for me whenever I need you and I don't have to ask, or express my need which is so hard for me to do.

I am quite certain, no one else will be able to give me what you have given me, whenever I need it - except myself. I am scared. I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose you but in all the relief and sharing you offer, you may kill me. I've come to a point in my life where this is important - my life is important - and I would like the opportunity to go on living it. But first I have to sacrifice you... my dearest, most precious friend and confidante.

Most people do not understand our connection and only want to judge us for it. They think I am being overly dramatic and don't understand why our break up is so hard for me, but this is how I feel - these are my feelings. They don't understand our relationship, and I know I can't do anything about this, but it makes it that much harder to say goodbye to you - you who never judges me for my imperfections. You are a part of me, you are in me, and this is where the problem lies. I can feel you in me and because of this, I have come to a crossroad where I have to decide - you or me? There can be no us....

The loneliness of life without you is terrifying. How am I supposed to do this on my own? The grief at having to break off our relationship is real and very deep. This isn't because I don't love you because I do - how can I not? You are my everything. I am you and you are me, or at least that's the way it feels. The reality is that I don't want to be alone, and without you, I will be completely alone in all those moments that others can't share, that I can't share. What will become of me?

How do I do this without you?

What is happening?

I love this phrase.

I have heard it quite a bit over the last year and it's usually said by someone looking particularly bewildered about something. I have heard people say it in regards to the weather, the state of the world, relationships and at weird things that occur at parties when people start to get a little crazy.

This is how I'm feeling at the moment - a sense of bewilderment, unease and even awe. So, what is happening? Nothing feels right, I am out of sorts, and because of this I am questioning everything....

What is happening? Why is this happening? How did this happen? Was there a trigger? What was the trigger? If I had been paying attention would this have happened? Will I always yo-yo this way? Why am I so unsettled? Why can't I just stop? Why can't I really learn anything? I know how to do this - so why am I not? Why do I have to be so stubborn? Am I too demanding of others? Why don't I just suck it up and work a full-time job? How am I going to make ends meet? Will I ever really be loved, for who I am, without any strings attached? Do people even like me? Do I even like me? Where has my life gone? What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to survive? How is a person supposed to do this on their own? Will this deep hurt ever go away? Will they ever do anything they say they are going to do? Why do people lie? How am I expected to trust? Will I ever have the answers? Are there any answers to be found? What's the point exactly? What the fuck is going on?

This is usually followed by: I haven't learned anything in the last year even though I have dedicated myself to this process, I am such an idiot, why do I have to act so stupid around this stuff, I am too much for people to deal with, I hate my stupid feelings, etc. etc.

pretty self-explanatory....

*pause*

And now the voice of my therapist in my head, (not entirely unlike the voice I used to hear in my head of a former ballet teacher of mine every time I took class), and I paraphrase - "the tricky thing with depression is when you start to outwardly search for answers or solutions. Doing this starts a cycle of self-criticism, self-blame and self-judgment, which only adds to your already negative feelings, and spirals your mood down even more. Instead, try being still, compassionate and loving to yourself, and go inward. You don't have to go anywhere, change, or do anything, the answer is within you."

For something that sounds really lovely and easy it sure is a lot of hard and complicated work.... Grrr.

Ahhh, the cycle of it all...

Here, in this moment, or actually several weeks of moments strung together like a dollar store 'pearl' necklace, I find myself struggling. This is contrary to my previous post where everything was feeling sparkly and bright. It's amazing how quickly things change - I find it disconcerting....

This moment doesn't feel so great. Everything feels like work again, my energy is low, I want to hide and I can't get anything done. It isn't as bad as it was last time, or the time before that, which is a blessing, but it's still hard. Writing this post is frustrating me because I feel like I can't be clear - and for me - lack of clarity equals some form of disaster, where things usually fall apart and hurt is sure to follow.

Maybe I should just write a 'where I'm at' list:

- Something new isn't as new anymore and I feel as though something has been taken away from me, and I miss it.
- I feel overwhelmed with work and on days when I have to go in, I find myself trying to make up acceptable reasons to stay home.
- I have a 'to do' list that isn't getting any smaller (which is bring up feeling of worthlessness).
- My body hurts all day.
- I am having problems sleeping.
- I am grinding my teeth.
- I am sick of where I am.
- I feel like shit for not working more, even though I don't think I'm capable at the moment, but I need money.
- My eating has changed and I find myself binging more often.
- My pharmacy changed the generic brand of my anti-depressant and it's not the same.
- My therapist has been on vacation and my appointments haven't been as regular. (Which has made me realize how important our work together is because she helps keep me on my path through her questions, thoughts, comments.)
- I become angry very quickly.
- I cry very easily.
- I want to connect with people but can't figure out how.
- Everything feels out of control.
- I am restless and know I should 'sit in it' but feel like I need more support in order to do so.

To sum it all up.... I feel like shit.

The End

Depression Check-list....

It's pretty hard for me to believe, but less than a year ago I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. The good news is - it feels like a lifetime ago! The other good news is, I'm feeling stronger and stronger, due to my continuing dedication and perseverance in all matters regarding my mental health. This isn't to say that I'm a perfectly happy person, but damn, despite the lows I still experience, it's nothing compared to what it was.

I thought I would share the Major Depression checklist from a book on my bookshelf called - 'The Mindful Way Through Depression - freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness':

Major depression is diagnosed when someone experiences either of the first two symptoms in the following list, and at least four or more of the other symptoms, continuously over a least a two-week period and in a way that depart from normal functioning.

1. Feeling depressed or sad most of the day
2. Loss of interest or ability to derive pleasure from all or nearly all activities what were previously enjoyed.
3. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain, or a decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
4. Difficulty sleeping through the night or the need for more sleep during the day.
5. Noticeably slowed down or agitated throughout the day
6. Feeling fatigued or a loss of energy nearly every day.
7. Feeling worthlessness or extreme or inappropriate guilt.
8. Difficulties with concentration or the ability to think, which can also be seen by others as indecisiveness.
9. Recurrent thoughts of death or ideas about suicide (with or without a specific plan for committing suicide) or a suicide attempt. (Williams, Teasdale, Segal, Kabat-Zinn, 19)

A year ago, I checked off numbers one through nine, without any hesitation. Three years ago, before my husband and I split, I could probably have done the same. Today, (which I'm realizing is the most important day for me to focus on) I can only check off one, so.... Hurray for me! Look where a whole lot of therapy, reflection, struggling to sit with my feelings, staying as true to my process as possible, mindfulness, oh and the aid of anti-depressants for help with clarity, has taken me!

Here's a photo of a different, equally scary, upward journey from a few years ago:

Williams,, Mark, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. The Mindful Way Through Depression - freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness. New York: The Guilford Press, 2007. 19. Print.

Meisje and Bakas and Bakas and me....

When I was 1, I was attacked by a small dog named Freedom. (Ha ha! Not many people can say they were attacked by freedom - this explains a lot!) On a side note, this dog belonged to a Japanese-Canadian relative that was interned during WWII; interesting choice of name isn't it?

As a result, I was terrified of small dogs, or more accurately, terrified of the pain I associated with them. Big dogs however, were a different story. I loved big dogs! I would casually run up to a big dog and throw my arms around it without a second thought. Does this sound dangerous to you, too? If a little dog stared at me I would run away crying. Ummmmm, can you say traumatized?

 My dad decided to pick up a small dog from the pound one day, to 'help' me get over my fear. His name was Bakas and he was a Peekapoo. Needless to say, I was terrified of him. In the beginning, I remember him playfully chasing after me in the backyard and me crying and running like hell for the picnic table, to get away from him. And the car ride home from the pound in which I was a passenger? Forget about it.... It was awful - there was screaming, and a whole lot of tears.

I eventually warmed up to Bakas and he turned out to by my faithful companion for about 16 years. He was the kind of dog that, if I was upset, would come snuggle up to me and nuzzle his little face into my hands until I wrapped him up into my arms and cried all over him. On top of being a supportive and attentive, he was also great at running and playing; for example, he patiently let me dress him up in my doll clothes, he let me push him around in my doll buggy, he patiently sat in my doll highchair (in costume), and he graciously took all my  other poking and prodding. He took really good care of me and I still have moments, almost 20 years later, where I miss him dearly.

Some of my fondest memories of Bakas, involve racing each other up and down my street - with him always in the lead. One day that suddenly changed, and I actually beat him. This was the day something clicked for me around the concept of aging and the movement of time. I looked at him and noticed that his hair was turning gray and then realized he wasn't as energetic as he used to be. I beat him - 'Bakas the Street Racing Champion' - in a race! I remember feeling very sad about this, and I'm speculating this was probably around the time that my grandpa had passed away, so I was starting to get a grasp on the idea of mortality. But don't quote me on this, the time line of my childhood is a collage of random memories.

Eventually, Bakas became a very sick, old dog and my family decided to put him down. My mom's friend drove me, Bakas, and my mom to the vet, which was very smart thinking on my mom's part. (You know, the whole grief stricken, driving with your child in the car thing...). I remember the way the vet gently lay him down on the table before explaining the process of euthanasia to us. I stayed by Bakas's head looking into his eyes, stroking his head, telling him I loved him and not to be scared, over and over, all the while crying my eyes out. I remember he looked really scared - which wasn't surprising since he always hated going to the vet, coupled with the fact that I was a blubbering mess. I remember watching the light go out of his eyes until he was gone.... It was an awful experience. It was a really awful experience. Like I've said before, I am a sensitive creature.

 My dear friend lost her dog companion of 15 years today. I have no words here, just a sense of loss and grief for her, her partner, and all the other people and critters Meisje's life touched.... That and love - a whole lot of love.

Here's a video of Loki harassing Meisje:

There is one last thing you should know about Bakas: When you pulled his ears back and smoothed them into his head he looked exactly like a seal.

I deserve this....

It's hot. Too hot and as a result I'm stuck inside with my head sensitivity. Yuck.

I tried out a new spread while using my Osho Zen Tarot deck today, and boy oh boy it was a doozy! I sure love my cards. There are days like today, when my cards make me giggle with delight. How the hell does this stuff work anyway? I am an eternal believing skeptic (when it comes to this stuff) even though it always speaks the Truth to me, so what's the deal?

So my issue (around my question regarding relationships in my life) appears to be that I am 'Flowering', which for me, is a hard thing to wrap my head around. Why you  may ask? Well, to voice the words yelling at me from inside my head, "you are undeserving, you are undeserving, you are undeserving, etc. etc.", you get the point. Apparently, some part of me thinks I am undeserving of this 'flowering'. Thankfully, the other part of me says BULLSHIT - I am totally deserving. I have worked  hard to get where I am now! I have worked hard to let go of old patterns, to recognize where my limitations are, to try not judge myself for them, and basically to be more loving and compassionate towards myself and therefor others. I am totally deserving of this blessing of flowering. (Hmmm, maybe it isn't that hard after-all.)

I love the flowering of this flower...

The internal influence I'm unable to see is 'Change'. Change is really hard for me, it scares me, I can feel it in my body and because of my fear, it hurts. There has been a whole lot of change happening in my life, emotionally and otherwise. I think it's time for me to sit in peaceful silence with this knowing, to honor myself and extend my gratitude out to the universe, instead of running away from it screaming "retreat, retreat". I have worked hard to achieve this necessary change, it has happened, it is happening, and I deserve this.

Speaking of change, here's something else that changed. 

It kept me company one day....

The external influence of which I am aware is 'ripeness'. I am ready to go. Like fruit that falls from a tree when it is ripe, I too, can relax in this place and just let go. There isn't any need for me to try so hard, or force myself to do anything because I am ripe and I deserve this.

What is needed for resolution (in my relationships) is 'Mind' - a very intimidating looking card - but the card that made the delight burst forward from within me. It was my "ah ha" card of the spread. Right now, I don't have to worry about anyone but instead pay attention to myself, to my feelings, to my wants and needs. And it's important for me to realize that the head trip that is happening, isn't mine... It isn't mine. I am in a place of flowering, change and ripeness, I have worked hard to get here and I deserve this.

And lastly the resolution or understanding is 'No-thingness'. I am in a state of pure potential right now and in the words of my Osho book:

All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.

Have I mentioned I deserve this? Because if I haven't...

I deserve this.

*and exhale*

Quero Apache Prayer

Looking behind I am filled with gratitude.

Looking forward I am filled with vision.

Looking upward I am filled with strength.

Looking within I discover peace.